What followed was several weeks filled with extremely negative thinking and semi-suicidal tendencies. As a result, the draft post which I typed in my mind (yes, I can actually do that) turned into a terribly serious, broody, morbid (and yet somehow epic) piece of negativity.
It has been a tough December, and that is an extremely apt way to end the year in my opinion. 2009 has been a disaster of - epic - proportions. I never intended my blog to be a diary but I find myself reading my posts from January to December this year. It started off with so much promise when I wrote "Restored" and I honestly believed that everything was going to look up from then on. Perhaps my rare venture into positive thinking jinxed it all.
I've never really talked about stuff that was personal to me on my blog, because quite frankly it's my business and no one else's. Still, such was the severity of the trials we went through that I suppose it was inevitable that it would affect my writing. That's why for me, "It's Too Late To Apologise", "Domestic Disturbance", "I Refuse", "A Time To Heal" and "I Could Use A Hand Right Now" are very important posts for me. It's not always obvious why, especially with the last post, but from a personal stand point the words reveal a lot more to me than they would to the casual reader.
Then there were more personal issues that I wrote about in "An Open Goodbye", "Disgust" and "Never Again". Reading those posts now can be somewhat embarrassing, as certain people continuously point out (yes, you know who you are!) but they still mean a lot to a person that is not used to expressing himself to others.
If I were to summarize 2009 in one word, it would be "bugger". If I were to summarize it in a phrase, it would be "bugger me sideways". I remember telling someone that I can't believe so much happened this year. I feel like some of the events were from 2008 and earlier, but no - all 2009. Yet I suppose it isn't new to look back at a year gone by and regret isn't it? In fact, I'm sure the blogosphere will be filled with angst-filled posts of how they misused 2009 and how horrible it was. Perhaps I'm just part of the crowd after all.
Halfway through the year I was convinced that this year would be remembered for friends lost, but then someone came into my life and brought an abundance of laughter, joy and just great companionship. Hardly what I'd call a small mercy, and now I end the year feeling a strange sense of gratitude instead of regret. The truth is, 2009 will always be a year which I will look back at and be proud of. Proud because despite everything that happened, here I am on the 31st of December, in good health, happy, at home, spending New Year's Eve with the family like I've done for 24 out of my 25 years on this earth, and alive in body and spirit.
So God bless everyone, and I wish all of you a fantastic New Year! I for one can't wait for it.