Morons And Extremists - The Real Threat To Sri Lanka

I was listening to the PHAT 30 countdown on Friday evening when YES FM RJ's Jeremy and Delano started talking about Oscar Pistorious, the famous South African athlete who had just been arrested and subsequently charged with murdering his girlfriend. As you probably know by now, what at first seemed like an accidental shooting, later turned into a 1st degree murder charge. It was a tragic and highly charged story; however, it seems the friendly RJ's of YES FM didn't quite share this sentiment.

 

 

Let me just say, Jeremy and Delano are easily one of the worst RJ duos I have ever had the misfortune of listening to. I have heard babbling toddlers hold better conversations than these two geniuses; they spoke of the Pistorious murder in the most childish, idiotic way, first discussing the mechanics of shooting someone blind and then trying to guess what kind of costume Pistorious' model girlfriend must have been wearing to scare him into shooting her dead. Then, after fulfilling their quota of inane and insensitive chatter between songs, they promptly dedicated the next song to Oscar Pistorious' dead girlfriend.

The song? Ke$ha's "Die Young".

Let this sink in for a minute. These two clowns, who are professional RJ's, thought it was amusing to dedicate a song about partying like you're going to die young, to the victim of a brutal shooting. I almost stopped the car in shock and disbelief. It was a moment so inappropriate, so repulsive and so disgusting, most people would think twice before making that joke to their best friend. Here were two people who felt it was fine to share this during prime time on national radio.

This is just one example of a growing trend I have noticed in Sri Lanka, where people who you thought would 'know better', simply don't. From matters that range from women's rights to politics, from common manners to religion and race, a growing number of the 'educated masses', as I like to call them, are standing not on the side of reason but of complete madness.

Of course this sort of thing is not restricted to radio; I've already blogged about the famous (for 15 minutes) Sri Lankan sisters Natalie and Nadiya Anderson, who went on to discuss the various 'servants' they kept at home while being interviewed for The Amazing Race. While their actions can be excused as more a blooper than a serious issue, it once again shows the lack of awareness to cultural and social norms, especially when they were in essence representing the country to an international audience.

This is starting to ring some alarm bells, because Sri Lanka is no country of unity and harmony, despite the various images of harps and angels the government propaganda machine is generating. The truth is that while we have ended the most visible of wars, we are still fighting an invisible war against the dictatorship of the Rajapakses, the corruption of his friends-and-family government, the unknown state of the North, the lack of any form of opposition, poor education standards and the plight of women that work home and abroad, just to name a few. Given all these serious matters, it's important that the general public are educated and show solidarity for justice and reason, and not side with the fanatics and extremists, such as our newest friends - the Bodu Bala Sena.

 

 

Over the last few months, this group of organised (and sometimes violent) Buddhist extremists have become more and more vocal, staging protests and demonstrations against Muslims in various parts of the island. While anti-muslim hate is not something new in Sri Lanka, it has rarely been taken to such lengths as these. We can all remember how the Dambulla mosque incident turned out, with the Muslims wisely taking a diplomatic and non-confrontational stance towards the violent thuggery depicted by the monks. One wonders how much longer they can maintain such a stance, given the type of protests the BBS have staged. In the area where I work, monks and locals gathered together holding up signs depicting Allah as being a pig. Recently someone shared a picture of an effigy of what can only be either a Muslim imam or perhaps the Prophet being burned.

The BBS are very serious, and have active support in the most surprising circles. Not only has the government almost been completely silent on their activities, but there are a growing number of supporters that have thrown their weight behind their extremist views. Facebook especially has been flooded with 'patriotic' hate groups, calling for Sri Lankan 'lions' to purge the country of all Muslims since we are after all a 'buddhist state'.

 

 

Here's the thing though; let's for a minute put aside the agenda of the BBS. They are, after all, just another extremist hate group, and the world has its fair share of them. What is truly disturbing is that a growing number of people, educated and intelligent people, have actually bought into their fear-mongering mandate. There are articles published in our national newspapers, proudly defending their actions and even justifying their actions. That particular article has been shared 1500 times on Facebook alone, and that just terrifies me. I'm saddened to say that even members of my close circle of friends and family are starting to question the 'purpose' behind the halaal certification, and whether it should in fact be abolished in Sri Lanka.

 

 

To cap it off, many of you must have heard of the One Billion Rising movement that I blogged about recently. The aim was to raise awareness regarding gender based violence, and was part of an international movement that spanned all the continents. We had our own One Billion Rising movement in Colombo, and this post nicely details all the fantastic work that was done leading up to it. However, today I was shown a blog post written by an anonymous blogger, who had shared a picture of the Lipton Circus protest, and written the following:

 

"One Billion Rising..Colombo style..errr...thats more like One Hundred Rising but..hey..still..it was a good show! a show of strength a definite show of power...women power..NGO power..check the Chicks..should have gone there yesterday.. could have definitely hit on one of those loose NGO women...could have had a different V. Day then!!!"

 

What follows are a series of anonymous comments, basically ridiculing the protest, claiming the protesters don't know anything about women in urban areas because they are from the English speaking middle class, that they are a 'pathetic bunch of stooges who dance to the tune of some organisations from the West', and that this is all a publicity stunt for 'patrons living in a cool Western country'.

There are more bizarre ravings involving government conspiracies, but I don't want to go on, and I don't want to link to them either since I don't want their idiocy to be advertised.

 

 

Bottom line: There are crazy people out there; that's a given. What I can't understand is how their numbers seem to be growing. I can't understand how every time I log on to Facebook there is more evidence of people whom I call 'friends' sharing all this extremist nonsense. I can't understand how  normal people, brought up in multicultural environments, can say and do the most insensitive things in public forums. I can't believe the voice of reason, peace, love and understanding is the one in the minority.

 

 

God help us all.

Hate Speech In Sri Lanka: Why Are We Still Listening?

We all have experience with crazy people. They're normal, in almost every way, except that tiny little thing that sets them off, and before you know it you're wondering how this person managed to escape the asylum.

This post isn't about those people. God knows that just like taxes and Enrique Iglesias, no matter how hard you'd like for them to just disappear, you make peace with it because you know they're not going anywhere.

This post is about the crazy people that get put on a pedestal and asked for their 'opinions'.

Today I read this post, titled "Laws and religion - some concerns for Sinhala Buddhists" written in the local Daily News. In it, the writer - one Shenali Waduge - goes on a point by point defense of Sinhala Buddhists from the wily and scheming attacks against them, especially the claims that they are 'racists', 'extremist' and even 'militant'.

This, to me, is just laughably absurd. See, there are a lot of people at risk in our little island paradise. Depending on your gender, orientation, politics, religion, mother tongue, upbringing, or just your appearance, there is a real danger which lies under the surface of day to day life. However, the members of the Sinhala Buddhist majority are not one of them. Yet, the writer goes on to paint a picture of a systematic campaign to not only destroy the entire section of the community, but to introduce a new wave of 'Muslimized' converts to rule the land. It's a beautiful tale of intrigue and conspiracy, not unlike which we have seen on TV shows such as "Homeland", but like those shows, this too is just another piece of sensationalist fiction.

 

Let's break down some key quotes.

 

 

"There is little to challenge that freedoms and rights have been enjoyed by Tamils (11 percent) and Muslims (9 percent) and it is because of the rights they enjoy that minorities have been able to openly bring up issues."

 

I wonder what the writer means by 'openly bring up issues', because there are few things that are 'open' in Sri Lanka, least of all anything that has to do with negative press. Just last week there was a violent protest outside of the No Limit department store, a Muslim owned enterprise, by a radical group of so-called 'patriots' calling for a boycott of the store because of it's ownership. There were violent clashes, and the police were involved, yet not a single iota of this incident made it to any of the local papers. So much for openly bringing up issues.

 

"Sinhalese Buddhists are concerned because Buddhist cultural heritage is being destroyed, Buddhist archeological and historical cultural monuments are being destroyed"

 

This is an interesting point to make, considering a large portion of this crimes have been traced back to Buddhist monks raiding their own temples of relics. The most popular story last year was the case of the Kotte double murders, where a Nilame of another temple was found to be the mastermind behind the heist that went wrong, leading to the death of two monks who were unfortunate enough to identify the criminals. Then there was the bizarre case of the mob led by a Buddhist monk that stole a deity from a Hindu temple in broad daylight up north. These are just a few cases I can think off off-hand which have made it to the news, while other reports have always linked ex-military men and deserters to these temple thefts. I haven't heard anything about secret Muslim strike squads and Christian ninjas infiltrating temples to steal things.

 

"We are concerned because the growing number of Sharia Law courts that were never present in Sri Lanka previously. When Muslims had been following the Sri Lankan laws for decades, why should there be a sudden need for a Muslim only law? Why should 9 percent of the population have a separate law when as citizens of Sri Lanka, Muslims must abide by Sri Lanka’s laws?"

 

Sharia law, after some light research, has been in effect for quite some time. The main purpose of these courts in Sri Lanka are to settle Muslim marriage disputes, which are governed by a different set of laws. As far as I know, there have not been any legal issues between the State and the Sharia courts regarding Sharia law since all the parties involved are Muslims, and as such it doesn't affect the remaining 91% of the population as the writer states. How then is this a national issue that affects Sinhala Buddhists? Are Sinhala Buddhists marrying Muslims and then getting the short end of the stick? Since these courts are mainly community based and are set up primarily in towns that are of majority Muslims, doesn't the writers argument go against her?

"We are concerned about extremist demands like loud speakers which does not constitute a fundamental right – speakers are only an electronic tools, a recent phenomenon."

You have got to be kidding me. Demands for loudspeakers? Buddhist temples and mosques basically have a chanting war every single day, and I'd like to see either party decide to lay aside their weapons of noise pollution even for an evening. Labelling this as an extremist course of action is sort of hypocritical, surely.

 

"Even Muslim owned supermarkets that caters to all communities shut down for prayers on Friday. "

 

Seriously, this is about as consequential as complaining about those Liberty Plaza stores that close for lunch. Seriously, national issue? Attack on Sinhala Buddhist way of life? Seriously?

 

"We question how peaceful Islam is when almost all the major conflicts in the World are Muslim-oriented and end up Muslims killing each other due to sectarian violence far more than the damage the West does with their air warfare."

 

I just. I mean. What the. I can't. Huh?

 

"It has become a practice for both Muslims and Tamils to hide their follies and wrongs behind the cry of “ethnic discrimination”, “hate campaigns” to cover up accusations made against them. It has worked well to camouflage their ulterior motives by internationally promoting Sinhalese Buddhist as “extremists” and using the power of money to spread the news via media. It has been convenient to quote “compassion” of Buddhism and ridicule Buddhists when they attempt to stop Islamic expansionism by bring the truth to the public"

 

From what I have read so far in this article, the so-called 'follies' and 'wrongs' are closing shops for prayers, loudspeakers and for exercising their faith. What Ms.Waduge fails to mention are the numerous acts of mob violence against the Muslim community, including the Dambulla incident last year when Buddhist monks stormed a mosque, disrupted their prayers and protested outside, demanding that the mosque be demolished. True to form, the 'majority' held firm and the mosque has been slated to be demolished and relocated, despite the fact that it has been legally registered more than 50 years ago and has never incited any form of communal disharmony until then. Does this sound like justice to you, oh mighty majority?

 

This doesn't even take into account the various unreported incidents of churches being attacked around the country by Buddhist monks and their goons. I have come to know of several of these through people we know, with some even being attacked simply for having a gathering of Christians at their home every Sunday. This somehow, never makes it to the news. Last year there was a report of valuable stained glass windows being destroyed in a small secluded church down South by - you guessed it - our friendly non-racist non-extremist protectors of Buddhism, yet that too never made it to the news! Are you starting to see the trend? Majority for the win!

The rest of the article goes on to detail the secret plan Muslims have for taking over the country. It's a convenient four step strategy, involving such things as migrating to a host country and keeping a low profile, before seeking representation (the nerve!) in all spheres and then having the gall to file lawsuits against 'Islamaphobia', converting citizens secretly against their will and then holding the host country and religion 'hostage' before declaring it a Muslim theocracy.

 

 

 

Look; the entire article is completely bonkers. It sounds like someone on a bad acid trip, or some kind of low budget sci-fi movie, and what's even worse is that the writer identifies with the crazy people she is defending. I'm sad to say that this isn't the first time I'm hearing people speak like this, and a 5 minute search on Facebook will uncover a massive number of pages dedicated to similar extremist, racist, militant thinking. Yet, to find sensationalist, fear-mongering dribble published in a national newspaper is inexcusable! When our media is controlled to such a point that people have now forgotten there is anything north of Anuradhapura except free food and joyous Tamil families playing hopscotch with the Army, any platform given to mad men/women like this writer is negligent and just intolerable. The entire article compares Sri Lanka to radical Muslim states and rules such as those held in Saudi Arabia. Why can she not understand that we are not to hold ourselves to such low standards, but instead aspire to be a free nation that doesn't have to militantly put down the minority when they try to seek representation? Yes, there are Muslim states with grave injustices being carried out, but is that an excuse to conduct our own form of terrorism on their communities in our country? What kind of playground mentality is this?

 

Bottom line: there are crazy people out there, but it's our job as a sensible, peace-loving community of intelligent adults to refuse them a platform to spread their hate-filled message. In that respect, and in the light of this (and other) article(s) written by writers such as Shenali Waduge, we have failed miserably.

The Natalie and Nadiya Anderson Fiasco

 

 

It was a firestorm of the shortest duration, but if you spend as much time as I do on the internet you pick up things pretty quickly. Recently, a YouTube clip from the show "Amazing Race" went (slightly) viral among Sri Lankans, as it featured a 3 minute interview with two Sri Lankans who were taking part in the latest season of the show. Natalie and Nadiya Anderson are twin sisters who, from what we have since gathered, were born and brought up in Sri Lanka but are American citizens who completed their secondary and tertiary education there.

The video clip has since been removed or made private, presumably from the barrage of negative comments it has since received, so I'll try to reconstruct it from memory.

The clip was basically a short on-location interview between the show's hosts and the two girls who had just won a challenge. They appear exhausted and tired, yet jubilant after completing whatever task had been set for them. The clip starts with the host asking them what they felt about the challenge and their reaction to winning it. They respond rather enthusiastically saying how they get to experience things from "the other side", and how because they are from a "privileged" family they are not exposed to this so-called 'other side' often, and what an eye-opener this was. The word "privileged" is tossed around a little bit more, as the girls painstakingly try to show they are embracing this new "street life" despite their obvious affluence.

Now, here's where things get awkward. Somehow, in their giddiness, they mention how proud their many "servants" would be of them if they could see them now. "Servants?", the host asks, not so innocently, and the girls gladly oblige, reiterating that their "servants" would be ecstatic that the girls are seeing into their world, so to speak. The host then asks (again not so innnocently) how many servants they have, and the girls answer "many", or something of the sort. If memory serves, they go on to mention that they have one for cleaning, and one for cooking, before noticing (for the first time) that the hosts are not so amused with these tales.

By this time, one of the twins seems to have caught on that they have made a colossal blunder, and she starts to try to explain that in Sri Lanka, it is quite common for people to have - yes, she says it again - servants, and then once again mentions that they are after all from a 'privileged' family, and it is the accepted norm. The girls, in an attempt to make light of the situation, then go on to tell a story of their beloved driver Premasiri, who has been in their employ since he was 14 years old. This draws an exclamation from the host, who says, "You've had a driver since he was 14 years old, before he was old enough to get a license??". The girls, again, still laughing and giggling but not as much as earlier, try to joke about it and one of them started with "Well in Sri Lanka you don't need.. " before the other sister cuts in, trying to show that they treat him like one of their own, since they've known him since he was so young.

The presenter allows for a slight pause, letting the awkward silence stretch out for a few seconds, before saying (only half-jokingly) "I don't think I should be giving you girls a millions dollars."

 

 

The girls finally catch on to where this interview has gone, and immediately get on the defensive, boldly claiming that "oh, we don't want the money, because half of it we plan on giving to our parents anyway and the other half we're donating to charity", and one sister then rather bluntly states that she works for a non-profit in Sri Lanka, alongside her mother, and that the money doesn't matter. Sadly, the damage has already been done, and when the presenter asks why they're taking part and they answer a) "to prove we can do it" and b) "to represent the 'brownie girls' of South Asia woohoo!", things couldn't have gotten worse.

The interview ends on a tame note asking if they had boyfriends waiting for them back home, to which one sister answered yes while thankfully avoiding mentioning anything about his social status or domestic help.

---

Most have ridiculed the two girls in the video, though their reasons have been varied. I personally could barely watch the video after the millionth mention of their vast array of servants, and Premasiri's child labour situation didn't help. What bothered me the most however was their complete ignorance of the politically correct way to talk about domestic help and maids. Yes, Sri Lankans do use hired help often in their households, but mentioning it in such a callous and offhand way in front of a camera crew is just unforgivable. These are not uneducated, socially awkward girls; they are self-professed "privileged" adults, exposed to both Western and local culture. Thanks to 3 minutes with them however, CBS happily captioned the video "Twins Natalie and Nadiya share with Phil how comfortable life is for them in Sri Lanka", making it sound like child labour is something every affluent Sri Lankan makes use of. The twins obvious back-tracking, with the "non-profit" employment thrown in, only made things worse for them, and no doubt made for good TV.

It seems that the YouTube video received a slew of insults, rude comments and verbal abuse before being taken down. I don't condone the insults, (and I definitely don't consider them a "national embarrassment", like this prominent news site does - ridiculous) but I do however understand the anger, or at least where it is coming from; Sri Lanka gets enough (but probably deserved) bad press internationally without having to have two giddy girls unknowingly making a mockery of the social situation at home.

 

One blogger has written a spirited defence of the twins (whom she knows personally), but while I commend her for standing up for her friends I feel she is letting that friendship cloud her judgement. I'm sure the girls are lovely, friendly, good-natured adults, but that doesn't excuse being really, really ignorant. If this were any other country, they would be releasing statements to the media clarifying their statements and apologising, but I sincerely doubt they'll do that here. Instead, they'll have to suffer in silence knowing that for a brief few hours, they were exactly who they said they were - privileged, spoilt children who hadn't seen anything outside of their little bubble, and now that they have, are still unable to comprehend it.

 

The fact that their online bio for the show states that they liken each other to Kim and Khloe Kardashian now appears rather poignant.

 

Welcome to the internet, Natalie and Nadiya. Actually, welcome to social etiquette 101. Take the punches, learn from it, and move on.

EDIT:

After reading this post with a more cool head, I realise that I may have been too harsh and not explained my thinking clearly. I get that these kind of bloopers can happen when you're in front of a camera, and no doubt the girls were only trying to express how they were enjoying themselves. They just did it in an appallingly inappropriate way. I hadn't read the comments on the clip before it was taken down, but I fear that it is highly likely they were as ridiculous and over-the-top as the Groundview status update I linked earlier in the post. I feel sorry for them having to go through that, but I hope they learned from it, and I wish them the best.

 

We Are Too Lazy To Stay Alive: An Environmental Rant

Sri Lanka is often advertised as a nation of smiling people, too cool to be bothered by the stress and strife of modern life, blithely relaxing under coconut trees just waiting to chuck up what they're doing to go bum around at the beach. Our chillingly high suicide rate, increased rape and abuse statistics seem to go against that fiction, but except for all the people trying to kill themselves and/or assault others, we're a "happy-go-lucky" bunch apparently.

This does not necessarily translate well in real life situations; in fact, it more often than not comes across as extreme apathy.
 

Take for example my work place. As some of you know, I work in the sustainable energy field, and my main job is to make sure we save money energy. This is not an alien concept, as most companies and organisations are now gearing towards greener practices and more environmentally conscious processes. Some of this activity is mostly genuine, while some are more PR based. No matter, I say, as long as the job gets done.

Yet, I am constantly surprised at our neglect for the environment, and our flippant attitude towards most things environmentally related. Any form of communication regarding saving energy, recycling, global warming, water and land pollution is met with a sort of glazed over look, a few nods, an empathetic sigh and a swift change of subject. Either that or enthusiastic agreement, followed by nothing.

I admit I was often part of the latter, until very recently. I never fully realised the dire situation our planet and especially our country were facing regarding the energy and environmental crisis until I started working here in this capacity. Did you know we were once almost 85% dependent on hydroelectricity, and now that percentage is closer to 50%? The rest we are now generating in our faulty Chinese coal plants. As a result, the universally cursed CEB is selling us electricity at a massive loss every single year. The demand for electricity in our country has gone up steadily over the last 7 years, with no signs of slowing down. Let's talk about garbage then; did you know that despite laws in place that clinical and hazardous waste be segregated by hospitals and relevant industries before disposal, these bags all wind up in the same land dump anyway? We neatly segregated the poisonous materials at our work place, only to have the authorities lump it together in their tractors and thrown in the same sites, eventually seeping into our water table. Did you also know that a majority of Colombo was actually marsh land? Yes, this marsh land was simply filled up and built on, which is one of the main reasons why so many areas of Colombo flood at the mere hint of rain, because the soil is just not suited for normal drainage.

Enough lectures; a lot of these issues are beyond the control of you and I, yet there is a difference between knowing these facts and actually doing something about it. I was extremely proud of, and motivated by, T when she wrote her blog posts on the tree cutting fiasco near her workplace, because despite there being so many hoops to jump through for her to get even a clue as to what was happening, she still did whatever was in her power to do. That's the kind of attitude that we need to inculcate on a larger scale.

Luckily at home my parents are somewhat energy conscious; we have a solar water heater, we've been composting for more than 17 years, and our outside lights are switched off by 730pm. My mom has set herself a monthly target bill amount for the house electricity, and is trying her best to attain it. Long distance trips are scheduled to coincide with some of the office work, so that we don't need to waste fuel with two vehicles. The list goes on, and as you can see, the list is not filled with anything very complicated.

 

Yet, when it comes to other people's resources and costs, our already disturbing apathy goes into overdrive. I stayed in a common housing while at work for a while, and I was constantly surprised at how often people would just leave the TV on and leave the room Once I came back after a late dinner to find everyone in the house asleep, but the TV still on full volume. Then there's the iron that gets left on for hours. The fridge door that isn't closed properly. The taps which are left open. 

 

After raising these points with my fellow tenants whenever I could, they slowly began to cut down on a few infringements, if only to avoid me throwing a tantrum. Still I find it hard to believe that anyone that isn't from an extremely spoiled and affluent background can't fathom the costs (both financial and environmental) that their carelessness incurs. But make no mistake: this isn't restricted to our employees. Even our environmental awareness programmes that we hold in the local schools get little or no support from the staff, simply because they feel that if you're not being 'tested' on it, it isn't worth learning. With that kind of attitude, I suppose it's no wonder my peers look at me in bewilderment as I knock off unnecessary lights while staring daggers at them.

 

Bottom line: while we push forward with all the development in our country capital, it's important to remember how fleeting our reserves of natural resources are. Mindless landfilling and constructions are not going to make us more eco-friendly. It seems that the UDA, in all its wisdom, has confused environmental 'cleanliness' with mere the more cosmetic definition of it. If the people in power can't seem to understand the difference between planting trees and painting buildings green, then it paints a rather grim picture of all our futures. So take a stand; push for better practices in your workplace and homes, your schools and colleges. Don't be the guy that reasoned that the TV would eventually switch itself off if you just stopped looking at it.

Save The Cheerleader, Save The World! - Why There's Nothing Wrong With The T20 Cheerleaders

Sri Lanka is in the grips of an energy crisis, an economic crisis, a human rights crisis and cricket fever! The T20 World Cup is in full swing and right now everyone is glued to their TV's every evening to watch the fireworks on display. However, amidst all the zealous cheering, venomous anti-India slurs and numerous hypothetical scenarios that get Sri Lanka into the finals, there have been steady complaints regarding the tournament. Now this is generally the norm with most any international event, especially those held in the cash-strapped sub-continent. However this time, despite several questionable decisions (such as the utter stupidity in holding any form of sporting event in the ghost town that is Mahinda Rajapakse's backyard aka Hambantota), the bulk of the complaints have been regarding the cheerleaders.

What cheerleaders, you ask? These cheerleaders:

Similar memes are doing the rounds on Facebook and other social network sites, and even some friends who went for the matches shared their pictures of the girls in action, often followed by some over-the-top statement about them being the "disgrace of our country" and how they should be (and I quote) "shot with a sniper rifle".

Right.

There are many things I don't like about the T20 World Cup, chief of them being the fact that there is T20 cricket involved. I also can't stand how every time we host an event like this, the government uses the distraction of the masses to raise fuel prices or take some other more disturbing course of action. But cheerleaders?

Let's be clear about a few things. First of all, according to 'reports', the contractor for the cheerleaders couldn't land any better looking women because the payment was "not that great". Which is silly, really, because it's not so much the girls that people are complaining about, it's the hideous outfits. I guarantee that none of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders (which seem to be the standard everyone compares cheerleaders to) would have looked any better in those dreadful orange, pink and blue leotards. This so-called contractor should be the one on the receiving end of all the heat, not the girls! A 5 year-old could come up with a better outfit by eating crayons and pooping on a colouring book.

Secondly, why do we need cheerleaders at all? Cheerleading is an activity that has its roots in the USA, where no sport is allowed to be boring (even their golf has Tiger Woods). It's been around since the late 19th century, and it's come so far as to be classified as a sport itself by ESPN, complete with a governing body, inter-school and national competitions. While most school and college programmes involve some percentage of males as well, most professional sports teams have focused on good looking scantily clad female dancers, with the male "cheerleaders" being relegated to mascot duty.

So naturally, the concept of female dancers at sport events has migrated internationally, and yet very few European sports use them. Tennis, football, handball etc are conspicuously without cheerleaders. Yet for some reason, cricket (of all sports) had to have them. The Indian Premiere League, that orgy of wealthy, bored billionaires and overpaid cricketers, were more than happy to import some cheerleaders to add to the flash and bang of the tournaments, and perhaps India (despite being the worst G20 country for women) could be justified in using them, given their rich history of provocatively clad movie stars traipsing amongst bushes in the rain for men's attentions.

But Sri Lankan sports have no idea what to do with these cheerleaders. Our sports begin and end with cricket, and cricket has always involved sneaking alcohol in to Premadasa Stadium, getting drunk to the sounds of the multiple bands in the stands, and dancing and taking our shirts off. This is how we 'cheer', and a group of dancing bedazzled girls is only going to act as a distraction, not an incentive. Someone should have thought that through before trying to slap on a borrowed sideshow from India and running with it. Last year's ODI World Cup didn't need them; in fact, I thought the drummers that played for every boundary and wicket were a great idea, and they blended well with the crowd. At least, a lot better than these fluorescent fairies.

Bottom line: the real crime here is not that the cheerleaders fail to be a cross between Miss Universe and Missy Elliot, but that there are cheerleaders at all! Objectifying women under the guise of sports is another topic all together, but while being a cheerleader may be a glamorous and recognised vocation in some countries, it doesn't translate at all well to cricket in Sri Lanka. This isn't a crime, nor is it a reflection of our 'backward culture' as some would like to hint at.

 

We just don't need them.

How Not To Be An All-Island Best Speaker

Warning: this is going to be a full on rant!

Last weekend I went for the final round of the All Island Best Speaker competition held at the Galadari. Someone I knew had taken part and had made it to the final 5, so a few of my friends went to show him our support.

The Toastmaster's club runs quite a tight ship, I must say, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that the programme started exactly on time. I literally can't remember a single time I've been to a function in Sri Lanka that ever started on time, so this was very refreshing. Our 'host' for the evening was clearly a member of the Toastmaster's club, and he spoke extremely well, throwing a few jokes in to his 'banter' before introducing us to the competition and the rules.

Basically the competition would consist of two rounds. The first round would be a prepared speech, which was meant to be 7 minutes in duration, while the second round would be an impromptu speech of at least 2 minutes, on a topic given to the contestants twenty minutes before they were to speak. As we waited for the first contestant to step to the stage, I glanced around at the crowd of 300 and couldn't help feeling like this was a much bigger deal than I initially thought it would be. Everyone was extremely well dressed, ladies in fancy dresses and the men in suits. I felt distinctly and hopelessly out of place in my neon-coloured Foo Fighters t-shirt and jeans.

First up was my friend, and he did a fantastic job of it, in my opinion. His chosen topic was about his life, and while it could have so easily turned into something boring or insincere, his speech was filled with colour and expression, yet somehow also conveyed the earnestness and honesty of someone who was speaking from a place of experience.

I can't say the same for the rest of the competition.

First of all, let me just say this: it turned out that my friend was the only competitor above the age of 25. He was also the only male, and thought technically that shouldn't have factored in to the competition, I somehow feel it did.

Contestant no.2 was a young teacher, who brought a 'prop' to the stage in the form of a single chair. As soon as she started speaking, I felt like I was transported back in time to the inter-school drama competitions. For this was not a speech, this was almost a soliloquy. Her entire speech was an exhibition in drama, as she pranced around the stage, making comical expressions at the audience when she made a joke, and basically acted out a one-woman play for us. She spoke about the 'cost of living', and tried to somehow connect her experience at the supermarket to how much we value life, while throwing in a story about an autistic child (the chair prop was for her to 'illustrate' how she sat on a bench to speak to this poor unfortunate soul). I couldn't wait for it to be over, but little did I know that the fun was just beginning.

Contestant no.3 spoke about "Man's best friend", and she too began in the shrill, theatrical voice used by her predecessor. However, with this one it was all about the hands; they went everywhere! From her face to show surprise to her waist to her sides, flapping about to show the urgency of her situation - it was just mesmerizing, and not in a good way. Her speech was terrible, somehow equating her fear of dogs, and how she ran away from one, to her fear of life, and how she avoided challenges. It was about as genuine as a Gucci bag bought in Pettah.

Contestant no.4 fared slightly better, but again her theatrical depiction of a rather mundane driving accident just did not work for me. Once again, her attempt at equating her fear of driving as some form of example regarding fear of challenges in life were just unconvincing. You hit a lamp post and it gave you an epiphany? Give me a break.

Contestant no.5 was a lot more lively, and her topic was something that easily tickled the slightly older audience - a "love affair" with her cell phone. Seven minutes of 'cute' jokes regarding her 'young and passionate affair' with her cell phone and how it disconnected her from the real world were the perfect topic to engage the somewhat elderly audience, who no doubt still think mobile phones are the devil.

By the end of the first round I was thoroughly disappointed. Here I was hoping for some really stellar oration, but instead we were sent to Dramatist's Anonymous. Perhaps my definition of a 'speech' is different from what the Toastmaster's organisation believes it to be, because in my definition, there has to be some tangible point to be given across, and that should be the focus of the speech. Instead, by the evenings end, it was clear to me that the panel and indeed the audience in general gave points for the most endearing, theatrical and dramatic performer. When the second round came around, the contestants had to give a 2 minute speech on "Love and War". My friend absolutely crashed and burned here, and I wasn't surprised; he is much more comfortable giving longer speeches where he can drive his point home. However, the remaining four did their best to make his speech look good, floundering around and doing their best to distract the judges once again with grand theatrics, stomping around the stage and trying to squeeze cheap laughter out of the audience with bizarre facial expressions.

There's a very strange misconception about what 'good English' should sound like, and it seems to have been instilled in us from our drama teachers and English teachers, who in turn have been influenced by the BBC. For some reason, we have this idea that to speak 'good' English, we have to speak with a British accent, and this was very evident during the programme; all four of the girls spoke in an identical accent! I have never been in the same room with four people that spoke that way, and it made me question why people had a problem with my Indian accent. Hey, I'm half-Indian and I lived and studied there; when were you working in the Queen's kitchen?

Bottom line: communication in this day and age is still key, despite the growth of digital media. Being able to stand in a room and deliver what you have to say is vital to success in any arena, and if we want to be successful individuals, we can't let ourselves believe that the theatrics exhibited at the All Island Best Speakers contest are necessary for that. Also, our accent and our pronunciation shouldn't need to be amputated for us to speak in a public forum. As long as we pronounce the words correctly, I don't see why we need to emulate our ancient conquerors.

The Avengers Was Bad, But Not For The Usual Reasons

Have you seen the movie "Get Shorty"? If you haven't, go watch it now; it's an excellent comedy starring Travolta, Gene Hackman, Rene Russo, Danny DeVito and that guy from "The Sopranos". In it, Travolta plays Chili Palmer; a mob collector who somehow comes to Hollywood to collect a debt and gets entangled in the movie business.

One of my favourite scenes in the movie was when Chili Palmer, who is an avid movie fan, goes to see an old Orson Welles movie "Touch of Evil". He sits entranced and alone, quoting the dialogue by memory, and at the end of the movie he taps the person in front of him and says, "Incredible, huh?", with obvious awe in his voice.

That was probably the exact opposite of my latest movie experience.

So finally, I managed to go see "The Avengers". Granted, it's no cult classic (yet) but it was a big movie that was creating a lot of hype, and I was expecting to enjoy it very much. Unable to get tickets for the 3D Cinema, my friends and I booked balcony seats online for Savoy for the traditional 2D experience.

Before I get into the movie itself, let me just say that the whole show was pretty much a disaster from the get-go. First of all, the ushers had given our seats to some other people, leaving us fuming in the aisles while they tried to relocate them. Then it turns out some people had come in using the previous day's tickets, so now the ushers started checking all the tickets again. By the time we were seated, I had missed the first ten minutes.

A further ten minutes into the movie, I realised that I had managed to get seated in the worst possible place: right next to two rather easily amused girls and right in front of a row of some tragically unfunny funny-men, who proceeded to make a comment on every single aspect of the movie.

Yes, I was watching The Avengers with a laugh track and DVD commentary.

Lets start with the girls; clearly they had little or no idea of what was going on in the movie, because while the movie definitely had its funny moments, it didn't have this many! Captain America, precariously dangling off the edge of a building? Fits of laughter. Samuel L Jackson, looking into the camera after making a realisation? Laughter. Robert Downey Jr raising his eyebrows and ending a sentence with a slight inflection? Rolling on the floor.

As for the witty, wise-cracking wankers sitting behind me, I won't even torture you with some of the jokes that were coming my way. However, if you've seen the movie, allow me to give you an example. Remember how towards the second half of the movie, there's a very somber scene? You know, all serious and panning between the different Avenger's reactions? Here's what I hear from behind me: "Machan, awkward silence! Machan, machan! Awkward silence, get it? Haha awkward silence...!"

At this point, I couldn't take it any longer, so I turned around and got his attention.

Me: Hey, you; come here.
Dude: Huh?
Me: You're jokes? They're not even remotely funny...
Dude: I wasn't telling for you okay??
Me: .. No, you don't understand. They're really not funny! If you want to make your comments, save it for when you're watching the DVD in your basement alone, okay? Thank you.

After that? Silence. Not the awkward type; just silence for the rest of the movie.

As for the movie itself, well I really liked it. Mark Ruffalo played an excellent Bruce Banner, and almost stole the show from Robert Downey Jr. The story line was well told (even if a bit nerdy) and somehow the movie managed to give equal screen time to the many characters involved, even giving them some sense of character depth despite sharing the screen with so many others. Scarlett Johanssen played a believable Black Widow, Robert Downey Jr. was excellent and witty as usual, and as I mentioned earlier, Mark Ruffalo was excellent as Bruce Banner.

Even if you're not a comic book nerd, you will enjoy the movie, given you've at least seen two of the three films leading up to this one ("Iron Man", 'Thor" and "Captain America"). If you are a comic book nerd, then you'll absolutely love it. So far I've only read positive reviews (except for one bizarre review questioning the geo-politics of it all - don't ask) and it's definitely a must-see summer blockbuster.

Just make sure you're not seated next to morons, like I was.

Point Of View

For those of you that have followed this blog for a while, you might recall there was a phase back in '09 where I was gloriously unemployed. I say 'gloriously' because while I did my best to find an employer that could use and abuse me, I often took a 'glass half full' approach to unemployment - after all, I was very comfortable at home, I got to work out three days a week, go jogging, blog incessantly and generally do whatever I wanted. Of course, eventually I got off my lazy butt and found a job, and soon all those other extra-curricular activities took a backseat.

It's the Sinhala and Tamil new year here, and as a result we're on holiday for a week. It's nice sitting at home and relaxing after a long time, without having to squeeze all my fun into a couple of days before setting off for work again. However, I was determined not to spend the entire holiday in front of my computer, so there has been a lot of time spent in front of the piano instead, the results of which I hope I will be able to post soon.

Yesterday, I decided to go on one of my infamous 'walks'; those hour or 90-minute long treks I used to go on during my stretch of unemployment. Kandy is famous for its hills, and the tiny lanes and twisting roads that wind up them, as well as the scattered housing perched almost precariously on the slopes. It makes for some very confusing driving, but it also makes for an excellent work out.

I used to have several routes, but yesterday I chose the hardest route, which includes a good 12-15 minutes of uphill jogging, followed by more climbing to a view point that looks over the city. I discovered all these lanes by pure chance back in the day, so it was refreshing to go along the old familiar route again. Of course, the scenery had changed somewhat.

Sounds like a name for some UNICEF project

I wonder if this wall belongs to Dilu, because that would make sense then

I somehow jogged to the top of the first crest with my lungs on fire and the blood pounding in my veins. I consider myself to be in somewhat decent shape, but jogging up that incline was something else. I can't remember whether I found it harder or easier than back in the day, but at that moment I didn't have enough blood reaching my brain to ponder. After finally catching my breath, I started climbing up the second half of the hill, a series of twisting lanes wide enough for just one vehicle at a time. Again, I was surprised to see how much had changed; the roads were tarred, and the edges were clearly marked for the novice driver, and a lot of houses which were under construction at the time were now beautifully done. Houses with a view no doubt command quite the price.

As I climbed higher, the light started to fade, and soon I noticed a few people staring curiously at this spectre in a white t-shirt and tracks walking up their lane in the half light, on the eve of the Sinhala and Tamil new year. I was not bothered, my ear phones were plugged securely into my ears and Incubus was keeping my thoughts company.

Almost there..

I kept climbing higher, anxious to reach my view point before it got too dark to enjoy it. Three years ago there were several places where I could see the city below but despite the improvements in the state of the homes here, the tall grass on the side of the road had gotten out of control, obscuring most of the view. After  40 minutes, I finally reached the top, tapped the light post like I always did, and took in the view of the Hill Capital.

Poor lighting; my phone camera did its best

The light was rapidly fading, and the cloud cover lent a very muted tone to the view, but it was still refreshing standing there, the cool breeze seeping through my drenched clothes as well as into my heaving lungs. The view was the same and yet so different from all those times I came up here so many years ago. The overgrown shrubbery, the newly painted walls and additional storeys all lent an alien feel to a familiar surrounding. 

I stood there for a good ten minutes, just taking in the view and trying to recall the thoughts that must have been in my head 3 years ago at this very point. I remember I used to wonder how it would feel to live here, on this mountain side with this view. I used to imagine designing a home, perhaps with my wife, many years in the future, and I distinctly remember thinking that the twisting lanes would deter friends from coming home for parties and meals. And imagine taking the kids to school! I doubt any school transport would come up that hill no matter how much I paid them...

I smiled to myself as I replayed these hidden discussions in my head now. How silly I was back then, planning and hoping for things I had no comprehension about. And yet, I am almost envious of that man, who was hopeful in his naivety. My thoughts last night were much more sober, and far less exciting. Just like the view, somehow I had changed despite remaining the same.

It had been a while since I had had time to myself, to clear my head and to air my thoughts. I swore to myself I would do it more often; I only hope I can live up to that promise.

Oversmarting: We're Not As 'Smart' As We Think We Are

The advancement of technology these days is remarkable not just because of the achievement itself, but because of the way it is trickling down to the average consumer. Over the last 20 years, technology that was once restricted to either the very wealthy or to specialists from a certain field have been finding applications in day-to-day appliances. For decades, technical breakthroughs from Formula 1, rally racing etc have made their way into your Volkswagen parked outside, in the form of power steering, ceramic brakes, automatic gearboxes and the like. The same can be said of computers; today, the latest processors from Intel or GPU's from Nvidia can be found on your desktop or in your smartphone within a few months.

With this sudden ease of access to high end technology, it's not uncommon to find people oversmarting themselves.

"Oversmarting"? Yes, I just made that word up. It means to needlessly procure or use technology, be it electronics or computing, that one is either unable or incapable of using for its designed purpose.

This is a common issue these days, especially at the work place. If someones colleague buys a smartphone, it's not long before they are looking to 'outsmart' said colleague by getting something more expensive and feature rich. "Oh you got a Blackberry? Well I got a Blackberry with a higher number. Oh you did too? Mine is a Blackberry 'Curve'. Oh yours is a Blackberry 'Bold'? Well I've got... err... "

Lets talk about smartphones and Blackberrys. Look, not everyone is going to need a Blackberry. I for one have no need to be informed of work emails after office hours, nor do I have a network of Blackberry users to whom I can communicate using BBM. Hence, I won't be getting one. My father does need this facility, but he doesn't like phones with tiny buttons and tiny screens, so I've made sure he doesn't get one either. The same goes for smartphones, but this hasn't been followed at my workplace - first a deputy manager buys a Galaxy S2, then another manager gets the same phone, then another manager buys an iPhone 4, then another goes abroad and gets an unlocked iPhone 4S, and then two more managers get the Galaxy Note. Out of all these people, perhaps only two know how to use their phones properly i.e., more than just calling and texting. You don't buy a Galaxy Note if you're not going to use the Note's massive screen and the stylus that comes with it for notes, presentation edits etc; you might as well play table tennis with it instead.

Of course, after finally getting these dream phones, they have the arduous task of figuring out how to actually use them. Just the other day I noticed one of them fumbling around, desperately trying to figure out how to add a contact to his phonebook on his iPhone. Here's what he did:

1. Opens dialer, types the number.
2. Closes dialer, reopens and types again.
3. Calls number and quickly cuts.
4. Re-opens dialer, dials number again and deletes number.
5. Goes to call log, clicks on outgoing call and adds to phonebook.
6. Types name wrong at least ten times due to keyboard errors.
7. Adds the same number twice to same contact.
8. Deletes one number.
9. Calls number to make sure name shows up.

This isn't restricted to phones though. As I've mentioned before, there are now a lot of people who feel that a simple point-and-shoot camera will no longer suffice, even though the only pictures they take are the kind where they point it at themselves from arms length, or into a bathroom mirror. Never mind that they've never even used all the 'scene' modes on their tiny Canon, they believe that only a complicated DSLR will be able to handle their photographic creativity. This is as practical as buying a 42 inch LED TV for your toilet because you get bored while taking a dump. Try a newspaper, Richie Rich.

 

Of course, expensive items such as iPhones and fancy gadgets have always been perceived more as symbols of status rather than solely tools to increase productivity. We've seen it before in the form of MP's buying Range Rovers and those stripped down army jeeps with the big tyres just to cruise around Independence square real fast, or people who buy $2000 laptops so their kids can play games on them. However, if you're not one of those people, then you need to seriously look at your gadgets and think "Do I really need this, and if so, am I going to use it to its full potential?". If the answer to both of those questions is 'no', then for the love of technology, don't do it!

Remember, the Flintstones were just as cool as the Jetsons.

Spare Me: 5 Annoying Things That Have Got To Stop

They say you can't have too much of a good thing. (Or do they say the opposite? I'm not exactly sure.) However, this is far from the truth, which I discovered through careful scientific experimentation. (Just the other day I almost died by chocolate overdose. It was awful, and my love for chocolate did nothing to alleviate this.) No, there is such a thing as overkill, and it is prevalent in almost everything you can find.

So as a public service, I would like to list the top 5 things that have lost their once grand appeal because of trying too hard, for too long.

1. Beyonce

Look, I get it - she's the diva of all diva's, she's the original independent woman, and the only real talent behind Destiny's Child apparently. Yes, she's a great artist, and she is married to Jay-Z, thus sealing her status in the hip-hop pantheon. She's curvy and proud of it, and is an inspiration for girls of all ages.

But enough already.

Honestly, when Beyonce went solo and started belting out these raspy old-school beat hits, it was a breath of fresh air and something so unique in the modern hip-hop scene. But it's become so repetitive, so fast. Drum beat, weird dancing, a few horns in here, something you can repeat while shouting along, ("Single ladies, single ladies...", "Lemme upgrade you, lemme upgrade you..", "Halo! Halo! Halo! Halo!", "Who run the world.. GIRLS! Who run the world.. GIRLS!", "Get me bodied, get me bodied, work your body, work your body..!"), and some awkward pictures to promote the single, usually with Beyonce contorted like a pretzel while wearing 21inch heels.

Contortionist Beyonce

Crocodile Hunter Beyonce

White Beyonce on Skates

The throwbacks have been done to death Beyonce, it's time for B to find a new beat.

2. DSLR's

Thanks to advancements in technology, professional cameras are no longer restricted to the wedding photographers and those old antique photo-studios where married couples and all the entourage vanish in to after a wedding. No, now you can own your very own DSLR, if you're willing to spend upwards of a small fortune. 24 megapixels? Yes! ISO 12800? Um, sure! DIGIC-4 image processor? I.. err.. I think so. F-3.8 to 5.6? Of course! Wait, does it come with flash?

But now we have itty-bitty teenagers, with their overly-generous parents, lugging around high-end DSLR cameras bigger than their heads so that they can take pictures of their house parties and upload all 600 of them onto Facebook. Just to justify the expense though, they take a picture of something not completely in focus and a bit off-centre and they call themselves photographers.

It has to stop. I vote the photography club of Sri Lanka issue licenses to people who are actually interested in the art of photography only, and no one else. Anyone without a license gets their DSLR confiscated and given to more deserving photographers who don't have pockets as deep as your daddy's. In exchange, you get one of these.

You're welcome!

3. 'How I Met Your Mother'

For those who haven't watched this show, the premise is simple. The narrator, in 2030, is telling his kids how he met their mother back in the 2000's. However, the narrator (Ted) never reveals to us, the audience, who the mother is, instead telling us a series of seemingly unrelated events, including all the escapades with his friends and potential love interests etc, leaving the audience wondering who this wonderful lady could be.

The first three seasons are excellent, filled with witty humour, enough intrigue to have people guessing and second-guessing the identity of the 'mother' while weighing potential scenarios where characters we liked could somehow fit the subtle clues left through each episode like breadcrumbs leading to the fabled 'mother'. Internet forums for the show were flooded with 'conspiracy' theories.

Then it started going south.

I love the whole concept of a love story in reverse, and it is true that the characters are well drawn up and are very interesting. However, HIMYM is now on it's 7th season! Yes, seven years of watching Ted get with several women, learning several things about himself and life along the way, and never quite meeting 'the one'. Seven seasons of average to above-average side stories involving the other characters who, in the grand scheme of things, the audience is not that interested in. I get how the networks wanted to stretch it out as long as they could, and it seems they have set season 8 as the final season, but for the love of all things, expecting viewers to stay engaged in this bizarre 'mystery' for seven whole years is pushing it into "Lost" territory. I predict a massive, massive let down next season.

End it. Now!


4. MBA's

"Sure, anyone can spend 3 to 4 years learning and studying under the guidance of a faculty of trained, experienced lecturers, while completing regular assignments and exams! But why have you not done a masters?"

Remember the time when getting a degree was a big deal, irrespective of what it was in? No, neither do I. That's because it was way before our time, before college degrees became as impressive as your birth certificate. Nowadays anyone can get a degree, and as a result, degrees are no longer held in as much esteem as they once were. Sure, they're enough to get you a job, in some cases. But what then? Limited or no chance of climbing the work ladder, because you've not got the magic letters after your name - MBA.

Doing an MBA used to mean you were interested in running a company, or staring your own business, or something along those lines. Now, however, every Tom, Dick and Harith is enrolled in a weekend class to get a 'speedy MBA', that is, an MBA from a 'reputed' foreign university in only a year instead of two. Without exaggeration, at the moment there are 8-10 people in my company enrolled in an MBA course. What makes it worse is that a majority of them are lost regarding their coursework, and regularly use unfair means to complete assignments, projects and even thesises.

So where does all this end? You suddenly have a load of executives, assistant and deputy managers with MBA's, all from the same place, all at the same time. So once again, prospective employers look at all these qualifications and ask you this:

"Sure, anyone can spend 20 hours every weekend for a year on classes, assignments and exams while working 5 days a week and fulfilling work obligations! But why have you not done a Ph.D?"

MBA students - if you're not genuinely interested in being a Master of business administration, then please just stop.

5. The Kolaveri Di songs

I'm not even going to bother writing a brief intro about this, because you can't possibly have not heard this song.

After taking off in India, the song went absolutely, madly viral in Asia, spawning multiple versions and takes on the song, including Punjabi versions, female 'response' versions, kid versions, rap versions, the Hitler version, even a Sinhala version which I've heard but couldn't find.

I just don't get it. Sure it's one of those songs that get stuck in your head, like every other rubbish song that you hate. But people are gushing over it, praising the musical genius behind the simplistic rhythm and lyrics. Just the other day someone in our department played it on loop for an entire day! I call people for work and the song is their caller tune! Even our telecom provider Dialog started offering it as a downloadable ringtone. Whyyyy??? Make it stop!!

Aptly, Kolaveri is supposed to roughly translate to 'murderous rage'. That is the only thing about that song I understand.

PSA: A Movie Review Of The Worst Chick Flick In History

Last night was movie night, and I was quite looking forward to it. I had a few good movies on my list, and since I had nothing to do all evening I decided I would try to squeeze in two movies before hitting the bed.

I had already decided that my second movie was going to be the highly rated "Warrior", so I decided to go against my better judgement and watch a popcorn chick flick that had been sitting in my 'Movies' folder for months. Why? I don't mind some simple, cliched comedy once in a while to pass the time. Think of it as salad; I wouldn't go actively looking for it at the buffet, but I wouldn't say no if someone served it to me.

And so I began watching "Something Borrowed"; a rom-com starring Giniffer Goodwin (from "He' Just Not That Into You") and the ever blonde Kate Hudson. I wasn't expecting much, but boy was I in for a surprise.

Yes, between love, friendship and madness

Before I go any further, let me just warn you that I'm going to be laying out all the plot details in this post, so 'spoiler alert: code red' here. Secondly, this isn't really a 'spoiler'; think of it more as me saving you the horror of watching this abysmally awful movie.

Goodwin and Hudson play Rachel and Darcy, two best friends since childhood. Of course, Rachel is the studious, lawyer type while Darcy is a beautiful, partying, fun-loving, always drunk, not very bright-bordering-more-on-mentally-challenged blonde. Of course, she is played by Kate Hudson. Despite their differences they're close (God knows why) and the movie starts with a surprise party thrown by Darcy for Rachel. Blah blah, video of how they've been friends for years, along with their male best friend Ethan played by John Krasinski (of The Office fame). Sarcastic, rude but honest, Ethan is by far the only likable character in this disaster.

BFF's!!

At the birthday, we find out that Darcy is about to get married to Dex, a very good looking, almost real-life photoshop guy who happens to be Rachel's law college classmate.

Now that we know all the characters, let me go through the plot really fast. Hold onto your hats.

After the party, drunk Darcy gets taken home, leaving Dex and Rachel to have "one last drink", where Rachel admits to having a crush on Dex in college. Cue flashback scene of awkward college scenes, followed by awkward present day silence. They share a cab home, she apologises, he kisses her, they sleep together to the tune of romantic music in the background. Because this shiz is romantic.

The next morning, there's panic; Dex is running out saying "we'll figure it out" while at the same time making puppy-dog eyes at Rachel trying to signify this "meant something". Cue guilt, cue awkward lies, and then everyone goes to the Hamptons for the weekend. Cue awkward moments, Dex having very vocal sex with his fiance while Rachel listens outside, Darcy trying to set up Rachel with Dex's neanderthalic best friend, and Ethan making wisecracks here and there.

Fast forward to lots of "what do we do, should we do this, what are we doing, what is this?" crap, then comes the 4th of July, and Dex proposes that he stay back in New York under false pretenses so that he can spend time alone with Rachel and "figure things out". Cue soppy romantic weekend together while Darcy is (of course) partying and getting hammered in the Hamptons. Whoops! They bump into Dex's parents by accident, have an awkward brunch with them where the father pulls his confused, cheating son aside and says "Yo, I know what's going down here, you best check yo'self before you wreck yo'self, and dump this broad else I'mma cut your white ass out". Of course, he said this in a very aristocratic accent and vocabulary, because Dex is rolling in the dollars.

Cue awkward confused face. Cue awkward goodbyes.

Months go by, Ethan finds out about the whole affair and is the voice of reason throughout all this madness, trying to convince Rachel to either go for the guy or quit.

Then things pick up! Darcy sleeps over at Rachels (because obviously, she's drunk again), and tells her what a great friend she is. Rachel is neck-deep in guilt. Darcy asks her if she's doing the right thing by marrying Dex. Rachel does the 'noble' thing and says of course she is, before Darcy admits to having cheated on him. INTRIGUE! WHO IS THIS MYSTERY MAN?

And then, the decision scene! Of course they're at a bar, Darcy is dry humping Dex on the floor while Rachel watches on, in anguish. (The lols). Heart-broken, she storms off into the rain. Yes, it's raining, she's walking in the rain. Dex calls after her! She makes a big speech (while standing in the rain) about not doing things to make anyone happy, that she wants to be happy herself! That he shouldn't marry her just because his parents said so and because it'll look bad to end it, but to do what's in his heart! Then she tell him she loves him! In the rain! He smiles!

He says "sorry, I can't do it".

End scene.

By this time the audience is raging against all the characters and wondering where this story is going. The wedding comes around, and Rachel seeks solace in Ethan's company. Ethan, the sole surviving intelligent and likable character in this movie, then commits character-suicide by saying he's secretly in love with Rachel. Rachel awws him and pats him sympathetically on the back. End scene.

Rachel returns home to prepare for the wedding to find Dex on her doorstep, stalker style. He says he's called off the wedding! He wants to be with her! The rain speech actually worked! (Duh)

But wait! Darcy comes knocking on the door, so naturally Dex goes into hiding. Darcy barges in, saying she's glad the wedding is over because she wasn't sure about it. Now, as if the writers hadn't made Darcy's character repulsive enough, Darcy admits to not just cheating on Dex once, but several times over with his best friend. How coincidental! Oh but wait, she's also pregnant!

I shit you not.

And so she's about to leave the apartment, and the audience is left thinking Oh God, is this how it ends, is this the 'happy ever after', until she sees Dex's jacket on the floor. Somehow, despite being drunk, in anguish and, well, an utter idiot up to this point, Darcy pulls off some quick deduction and realises that Rachel has been sleeping with Dex all the time and storms back into the room to confront him. Cue Dex and Darcy accusing each other of being the worse criminal, Darcy telling Rachel she hates her, end scene.

Final scene; it's two months later. Rachel happily walking down the street, bumps into a pregnant Darcy. Tells her she's sorry. Darcy says I'm happy you're happy. Rubs her baby bump, Beyonce style. They part, still not friends but 'happy for each other'. Rachel rounds the corner, jumps into Dex's arms, and they live happily ever after.

Okay, let's just pause to breathe here, while I summarise what this piece of trash is trying to tell us.

1. The first thing we learn here is that the stereotypes are true; blondes really are dumb, drunk, materialistic, selfish, party animals who pursue men only to validate their looks.
2. Apparently, sleeping with your best friend's fiance is romantic and, according to the writers, even admirable since after all, it's "true love". Cue violins.
3. Friendship is not the most important bond; in fact, if friendship gets in the way of what you want, screw that!
4. Being strung along by the guy of your dreams is acceptable, if only because he's conflicted and confused. Putting up with him having very wild sex with his fiance or dry humping her on the dance floor in front of you (while making sad faces at you) is just his way of showing how conflicted and confused he is.
5. When you do something so despicably wrong (like sleeping with your best friend's fiance!), just hang on a second before apologising. The chances are, the person you wronged has probably done something worse towards you, and you just didn't know it. Besides, if it feels right, you're probably justified. Oh look! She's pregnant with his best friend; carry on, adulterers.

Seriously Hollywood, what is this garbage that you're trying to sell us? It's amazing just how childishly immature your writers come across as after watching this steaming pile of excrement. First you write a story about someone who does something pretty damn awful, and then somehow spin it so that no one pays for the consequences of their actions, because none of your characters seem to have any morals, and then try to justify it by painting the victim as some villainous, petty and unrealistic character that is somehow still best friends with your lead character! I cannot believe that the writers actually expected the audience to actually root for this adulterous couple, despite what anyone's moral compass (no matter how skewed) would be telling them.

Imdb.com gave this a 5.6, which is probably enough for me to never consider their ratings ever again. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a much more realistic 14%.

Bottom line: I have no issues with rom-coms and their sometimes silly premise. One of my favourite movies is actually a rom-com ("Wedding Crashers"), and I don't believe all movies have to stick to my standards of what is intelligent and entertaining. But marketing movies like this makes me wonder who I should feel more sorry for; the writers, the cast, or the audience that helped it rake in $39 million and actually make a profit of over $4 million.

Note: Apparently, this movie is based on a book. I feel like this is Twilight all over again..