How NOT To Make A Girlfriend

The intricate workings of the female mind have been discussed in great detail, not just on this blog but in every forum since the dawn of time. There have been many conclusions drawn, ranging from the blatantly obvious ("men just don't understand") to the extremely plausible ("men are from Mars and women are from Venus"). Usually these arguments have been triggered when discussing the trials and tribulations of getting into bondage a relationship, but there are other instances when these problems come up.


You see, believe it or not, sometimes men and women just want to be friends. Yes, "The horror!", you would think, but there are apparently great benefits from just being 'friends' with the opposite sex, and no I don't mean that! Once in a while, we meet a member of the opposite sex that is so opposite to us, they've gone full circle and ended up being more like us. Confused? Perfect, you're in the right frame of mind for what follows then.


The process of intentionally falling into the friend zone is probably just as convoluted as the process of avoiding it; so, for the benefit of humanity and posterity and what-not, here are a few general pointers from the Darkside.



1. Do Not Flirt!


Well yes, that may seem rather obvious, but you'd be surprised at how difficult it is for a man to not flirt with a girl that he likes! For example, a line such as, oh I don't know, let's think of something totally random like "I work better at night, after all I AM from the 'darkside'....." would be just asking for trouble. Not that anyone would actually say that. I mean, WHO talks like that anyway......??


2. No Late Night Phone Calls!


None whatsoever. Late night phone calls may seem harmless to some, but in reality they are just disasters waiting to happen. Both parties are tired, the conversation invariably switches to "how was your day?" and soon work stories go to family stories and then you end up in no-man's land - the ex-boyfriend stories. Besides, with the fatigue and the need to sleep, anything you say will come of as sounding 'dreamy', even if you're talking about something as mundane as healthcare. Just try it. Ask someone to record you on the phone after 12am, and try saying something completely innocent like "KFC, finger-lickin' gooooood..."


Exactly. Stick to day time calls.



3. Always Find Someone Else Hot!


Since you can't really avoid talking to the girl if you're trying to be friends with her in the first place, always make sure there's 'someone else' to talk about should the conversation hit a lull. See, it's those moments of silence when girls start 'thinking', a phenomenon that should be avoided at all costs!

Enter the 'someone else'. This would be easier if you were actually in a relationship with someone else, but if you're not it doesn't matter - make someone up. Discussing your interest in another person is a sure fire way to kill off any wrong ideas that may or may not have cropped up during the conversations. If she mentions someone she might have had a crush on, pursue it at all costs! The more advice you give her on how to make plays at her work-place crush, the safer you will be.



4. Do Not Let Her Feed You!


I'm not sure I understand this one completely, but I speak from experience. There is something about a girl feeding a guy a spoonful of her meal that causes stars to align, sets planets in motion and violins to play, especially if the setting is right. It's all very "couple-y", much like holding hands while crossing the road or having late night phone calls till dawn (refer no.2). I once went for dinner with a friend who, right in the middle of a fun discussion, leaned over and offered me a spoonful of her dinner. First I said no thanks, but then she insisted and literally pulled me by the chin towards the outstretched spoon. I suddenly felt like I was a toddler and half expected her to coo "AIRPLANE! HERE COMES THE AIRPLAAANE". Needless to say, after dinner we went for a 'romantic' walk and discussed intense topics like 'love' and 'soul mates'.



5. Insult Her!


Yeah I said it. While I don't mean to literally abuse her, women tend to relax around a guy that isn't dripping with gooey niceness and liberally passing out text hugs at the drop of a "aww". This doesn't mean you go running around throwing sand at her; a few well placed gems like "have you thought about dieting?" will suffice, as well as go a long way in ensuring a wonderful 'friendship'.



Of course, considering the subject matter, one would do well to remember that there is a high likelihood that every one of these theories will simply fail in the face of the contradictory nature of women....



Still, consider yourself warned!

Set The Fire To The Third Bar

It's been a while since I posted a song, so imagine my surprise when I suddenly get an email from a very 'random' person returning the completed version of a duet we had planned MONTHS ago! I had assumed it had gotten lost somewhere between her extremely complicated chemistry experiments or buried under an avalanche of bbc.co.uk links in her inbox. However, the full version has been received and much credit should go to Pseudorandom, who did a fantastic job of adding the harmony to my sad attempt at a Northern accent.


I can't remember how we got around to doing this, but I believe it was suggested in the comments of a post some time ago. I admit I was a bit hesitant at first, since I was convinced she was more into the classics than anything contemporary, but many months and loads of posts later I have come to realise her musical taste is pretty much all-encompassing, from Shinedown to Lady Gaga.


However, due to my aversion to all things 'Gaga', we settled on Snow Patrol instead.


This is "Set The Fire To The Third Bar" by Snow Patrol, featuring the vocals of Martha Wainwright. You can find the audio link on her blog as well over here, and as always, to download the song just click here.


Hope you enjoy it!



G (& PR)

The Darkside Is Coming To TNL Onstage

As you can see, I am back. Yes, my brief hiatus from blogging has come to an end, amid much cheering and celebration from our beloved resident trolls I am sure. Sadly, my absence has not been due to bodily harm, manic-depression or some other juicy post-worthy story; I just got rather, well, bored. Yet, despite being off the Kottu-radar for more than 3 weeks, I am flattered to find the odd Gehan-related humour peppered across the higher echelon blogs (whose names I am not worthy to link to), and that too humour of the highest degree. I would tip my hat off to you, but I don't wear them because I am 'headless'. Get it? Haha.

So I was pleasantly surprised when my dull and mundane existence was interrupted by a call from TNL yesterday, telling me that I had been selected for the first round of the TNL Onstage 2009 Soloist competition. I was quite surprised to be honest; I had sent in my demo CD at the very last moment after some persistent urging-bordering-on-nagging from bloggers. Eventually I thought, what the heck, and I hastily downloaded the registration form, filled it out as soon as possible ("History of the band/artist"?), went through the long list of terms and conditions ("TNL will not be liable for any claims arising due to the participation in the competition"? Could you be more vague?) and burnt a CD with two songs. This was the hardest part; which songs to send? After a careful process of elimination based on pros and cons, I tossed a coin and decided on "Ghost Of You" and "Like A Stone". This was followed by a short and concise explanation to the parents and a frantic search of the premises to find a envelope large enough to send in a CD. Finally found one, stuffed in the forms and CD, sent it off and proceeded to pace around my room nervously for a full 7 minutes, after which I concluded that I wouldn't hear from them in the near future and forgot all about it. Till now.

The girl on the phone was very polite and had a lovely voice (do you have to have a good voice just to work at a radio station?). She first told me that I had been selected and congratulated me. She then told me that there was some meeting at the head office on Thursday where they would spell out the do's and don'ts of the competition, as well as meet the 'backing band'. However, she was very understanding about the logistical difficulties I would have about this.


"Oh but you're in Kandy no? Aney sin for you."

(Or something along those lines.)


So instead, I am supposed to come in on Saturday for the interview and photo-shoot, and once I am done with that she could run through what I will miss during the Thursday meeting.

And that, dear readers, is how much I know at the moment! I'm grateful for the opportunity, and I guess I'll ride my luck as far as it will take me. I am under no illusions about my vocal abilities, so I'm not going to plan too far ahead, but I DO love to sing so it should be fun! According to the radio, the preliminary rounds are supposed to be held on the 22nd of this month, but I'm not sure about that either. Hopefully it'll all work out with as much drama as possible, so that I will have something to blog about in the next few weeks.

In closing, I am going to do something now that I was very much against despite many people suggesting it before for my headless videos. Yes, you guessed it; I'm asking for song suggestions. If there is a song that you feel I might be able to do justice to, do leave it in the comments section of this post. Nothing too fancy, nothing too boring; the main thing is that it should have a nice vocal spread, something melodic and pleasing to the general populace, so please no indie or folk songs, thank you very much.

And also, song suggestions only from adults above the age of 18 will be considered, so sorry Jerry and Fallen, maybe next year.