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When I'm not writing about my experiences in this journey called 'life', I'm singing and uploading my own interpretations of modern music. Click on "Cover Songs" to hear them, or on the YouTube logo on the right to see my YouTube channel.

Friday, August 28, 2009

How NOT To Make A Girlfriend

The intricate workings of the female mind have been discussed in great detail, not just on this blog but in every forum since the dawn of time. There have been many conclusions drawn, ranging from the blatantly obvious ("men just don't understand") to the extremely plausible ("men are from Mars and women are from Venus"). Usually these arguments have been triggered when discussing the trials and tribulations of getting into bondage a relationship, but there are other instances when these problems come up.

You see, believe it or not, sometimes men and women just want to be friends. Yes, "The horror!", you would think, but there are apparently great benefits from just being 'friends' with the opposite sex, and no I don't mean that! Once in a while, we meet a member of the opposite sex that is so opposite to us, they've gone full circle and ended up being more like us. Confused? Perfect, you're in the right frame of mind for what follows then.

The process of intentionally falling into the friend zone is probably just as convoluted as the process of avoiding it; so, for the benefit of humanity and posterity and what-not, here are a few general pointers from the Darkside.

1. Do Not Flirt!

Well yes, that may seem rather obvious, but you'd be surprised at how difficult it is for a man to not flirt with a girl that he likes! For example, a line such as, oh I don't know, let's think of something totally random like "I work better at night, after all I AM from the 'darkside'....." would be just asking for trouble. Not that anyone would actually say that. I mean, WHO talks like that anyway......??

2. No Late Night Phone Calls!

None whatsoever. Late night phone calls may seem harmless to some, but in reality they are just disasters waiting to happen. Both parties are tired, the conversation invariably switches to "how was your day?" and soon work stories go to family stories and then you end up in no-man's land - the ex-boyfriend stories. Besides, with the fatigue and the need to sleep, anything you say will come of as sounding 'dreamy', even if you're talking about something as mundane as healthcare. Just try it. Ask someone to record you on the phone after 12am, and try saying something completely innocent like "KFC, finger-lickin' gooooood..."

Exactly. Stick to day time calls.

3. Always Find Someone Else Hot!

Since you can't really avoid talking to the girl if you're trying to be friends with her in the first place, always make sure there's 'someone else' to talk about should the conversation hit a lull. See, it's those moments of silence when girls start 'thinking', a phenomenon that should be avoided at all costs!

Enter the 'someone else'. This would be easier if you were actually in a relationship with someone else, but if you're not it doesn't matter - make someone up. Discussing your interest in another person is a sure fire way to kill off any wrong ideas that may or may not have cropped up during the conversations. If she mentions someone she might have had a crush on, pursue it at all costs! The more advice you give her on how to make plays at her work-place crush, the safer you will be.

4. Do Not Let Her Feed You!

I'm not sure I understand this one completely, but I speak from experience. There is something about a girl feeding a guy a spoonful of her meal that causes stars to align, sets planets in motion and violins to play, especially if the setting is right. It's all very "couple-y", much like holding hands while crossing the road or having late night phone calls till dawn (refer no.2). I once went for dinner with a friend who, right in the middle of a fun discussion, leaned over and offered me a spoonful of her dinner. First I said no thanks, but then she insisted and literally pulled me by the chin towards the outstretched spoon. I suddenly felt like I was a toddler and half expected her to coo "AIRPLANE! HERE COMES THE AIRPLAAANE". Needless to say, after dinner we went for a 'romantic' walk and discussed intense topics like 'love' and 'soul mates'.

5. Insult Her!

Yeah I said it. While I don't mean to literally abuse her, women tend to relax around a guy that isn't dripping with gooey niceness and liberally passing out text hugs at the drop of a "aww". This doesn't mean you go running around throwing sand at her; a few well placed gems like "have you thought about dieting?" will suffice, as well as go a long way in ensuring a wonderful 'friendship'.

Of course, considering the subject matter, one would do well to remember that there is a high likelihood that every one of these theories will simply fail in the face of the contradictory nature of women....

Still, consider yourself warned!


Broken Metal Madman said...

so true man

Cadence said...

"Of course, considering the subject matter, one would do well to remember that there is a high likelihood that every one of these theories will simply fail in the face of the contradictory nature of women...."

Amen :P

hehe good post.

T said...

Boys really are clueless.

PseudoRandom said...

LOL :D OK I'll go through your points...

1. Haiyo but flirty banter is fun no! :D It only leads to problems if the girl (or the boy, for that matter) takes it seriously. I guess it depends on the individual.

2. Ooh we agree on something other than music! :-) You say 'healthcare', I say 'A/L maths' :P

3. Hmm not sure about this one. As for the 'thinking' comment...:P I'd say 'over-analysing' should be avoided at all costs.

4. EWWWWWWWW!!! Why? Why?? WHY?????? I'm not totally against the whole PDA thing but everything in moderation pls! Eww.

5. I'd be careful with this one. Cheeky insults might be interpreted as backhanded compliments and then mistaken for flirty banter. So again I guess it depends on the individual. Or she might turn around and pwn your ass with a counter-insult of her own...can the male ego take such a hit? :P

TheWhacksteR said...

'have you thougt about dieting?' seriosly?

Gehan said...

BMM: :)

Cadence: haha thanks!

T: Yes, we find it helps the situation.

PR: wow, i think u over-analysed the last one :P

Whacks: :D perhaps a bit harsh, i agree..

Jerry said...


Very true.

Men should also invest in a tazer should the woman try to snuggle up during a movie.

hijinx said...

Do these work on men? :D

Springflower said...

Hilarious..it is interesting that this sounds a lot like 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' movie..only the opposite. :)

Anonymous said...

i am a girl okay? my BEST-FRIEND is a boy.

and we are perfectly fine at being friends. I mean, look, he has come over to my place to study like- i dunno- numerous times. we have been in the same room alone together like hell lot of times, and NOTHING has happened between us.

i have fed him. yes.

i have sat on his lap (in front of everyone else, who didn't give a damn because we are best friends, and we do stuff like that ALL the time).

i have hugged him, kissed him (on the cheeks) held hands with him and cried on his shoulder so many freaking times.

and he never insults me at all. he is soooo sweet that he'll tell me that i look great even if i have gone one size up.

AND we talk all the time at night, on the phone. may it be that we miss our bestie, or we have a problem or simply boredom, i have talked to him more than i have talked to my boyfriend.

AND he's a total ladies man, but then with his homies he's a jock- but he doesn't flirt with me. ewwww... that'll be like flirting with my own brother.

there. my bestie. a guy, we've been friends for gawwd, AGES.. and i think that you don't need to have so many limits, you could be friends, even BEST friends like us without all those limits.

p.s.- to the blogger- however, i LOVE your blog, i think it's fantastic :] your post might not be crap, but it's not really accurate. howevr, keep writing.


Sachintha said...

Gehan, the problem is, sometimes all these could in fact give you the opposite of what you hope for.
Trust me, it happens.

And to Anon above, Amen to that!
I too once had such a friend, and we didn't give a damn, but everyone around us had to give a damn, and before you know it,... darn things went so bad...

Zaara said...

It`s a good post. Just started to read your blog, Seems pretty interesting. :)

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