Ten Things I Hate About Interviews

This morning I got a call for a job interview, however despite my fervent efforts to get a job, I was only mildly interested in getting the call; in the last 3 months I had been to many interviews, some good and some just, well, interesting! I have since come to the conclusion that interviews are terribly annoying, and people only put up with them because it's the only way to get hired. Though I cannot claim to be highly qualified in the art of appearing for an interview, I can rant about some of the bizarre questions and statements I've come across till now.


1. "So mister... err... Gay-haan. Tell me about yourself"

What is the point in this question? Is it not enough that I took the trouble to painstakingly put together my entire life on three sheets of paper, and now you want me to repeat it to you?? Didn't you read it in the first place?? It's not like my story is going to change - you're not going to find out about my secret addiction to cough syrup or something!

And its not GAYHAAN!!

2. "Oh you're from Kandy? Oh. So how are you going to manage that?"

Seriously, is it so hard to believe I could find accommodation in the great city of Colombo? Is it easier to believe that I'd spend 3 hours on a bus to get to work, and then spend 4 hours on the bus to get back home, sleep for 5 hours and do it again?! I'm desperate, but I'm not THAT desperate!


3. "You studied in India is it?"

No. Actually I studied in Azerbaijan, but my spell-check was a bit out-dated and changed it to India. So I just went with it. Dumbass.


4. "Do you speak English well?"

The question is, do YOU speak English well?? Cos I'm speaking it right now aren't I?! Judge for yourself!

Dumbass.

5. "We are a large multinational corporation that deals with international clients on a daily basis, our head office is based in London and we are currently expanding our network to incorporate the Sri Lankan market. You will be given the prestigious job of handling interplanetary trade and will be required to communicate with the starship Enterprise...."

Translation: We are a tiny ass piece-o-crap company that does the dirty work for some UK dudes so whenever we answer the phone we need to have a British accent and say " 'Allo Guv'nor!".

6. "We encourage independent work and self-motivated people to expand our borders and reach out to more diverse clientele. You will receive incentives based on your performance."

This means that after they hire you, they're not going to be around to tell you what to do or how to do it. Instead, they will expect you to go running around like a headless chicken in an attempt to figure out what exactly your job IS and then when you fail miserably, they will have an excuse not to pay you.

7. "What does your father do?"

He is currently involved in a secret government project aimed at retrieving the carcasses of stray dogs and turning them into super soldiers that are capable of spitting balls of fire and pooping kryptonite. What does it matter what my father does?! If you're so interested why don't you call him for an interview too?? OK please don't.

8. "What kind of remuneration package are you expecting?"

Wait, so, you're asking ME how much money I want?? Well I'd like how much you're getting, but I doubt that's going to happen, so why not just tell me how much you're willing to offer instead of playing these little games??

9. "Oh, well, err, since it's just a trainee position, and you're inexperienced, we can offer [insert insultingly low salary figure here]"

WHAT?! But you said it was a 'prestigious job'! You're a 'multinational firm'! I'll be responsible for communicating with the 'Enterprise'.....!

10. "Ah. Well. Of course, but that all takes TIME, and first you will be given training in [insert unheard-of-and-most-likely-war-torn city name here]... "

!?!?!

Feel free to add to the list, if you've had any interesting interview incidents. I'll probably have to append this post once I finish with this new interview, though it would take a lot to surprise me now.