What a strange evening it has been for me today. I got back from work around 530pm, just as the rain came down. The noise of it would have drowned out the sound of voices, had there been anyone speaking. No, today was one of those days I was alone, and I was fine with that.
I am always surprised at my alternating dependence and indifference to company. Normally my evenings are spent talking with friends, listening to music, relaxing, planning dinner, even grocery shopping with them. I am not always good company, but I like to think that my presence is not a negative in a group.
And then there are nights like tonight, spent without speaking to anyone, just music, movies, books and my thoughts.
If I'm honest, I must admit I am rarely honest with myself. At times, it can be good, because reality is a brutal truth that sometimes is hard to digest. At times, however, it's good to know your weaknesses. And, if I'm being honest with myself right now, I must admit that one of my many weaknesses is my inability communicate effectively. It has been the bane of my life. I wonder if I will ever get over it, wonder if this will come back to haunt me with serious repercussions in the future.
Or, like tonight, I wonder if I can not need it. Maybe, I can survive without having to explain myself to everyone, without having to make sure everyone understood my motives and my intentions for all my actions.
Tonight, as I sit alone with my earphones and my laptop, I realise I am surprisingly content with being by myself. Not happy, not thrilled; but content.
In the words of the song, maybe, just maybe, 'all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head'.
Time will tell.