The Darkside Defending The Dudes

In my last post, I wrote about a few casual observations I had made about the blogosphere with regards to the use of the words 'rant', 'rave', 'rambling' and 'random'. One word I had forgotten to include in this list was the word 'conundrum'. The Oxford English dictionary defines the word as 'a confusing and difficult problem or question, or riddle'. And surely there is no bigger riddle in the blogosphere than the opposite sex. And God, of course. But I'll leave that topic for more skilled writers than me.

It is common knowledge that no one understands the opposite sex. Men can't understand women, women can't understand men. Or women, for that matter. See, I'm confused already.

So when a friend wrote a post about us men (great blog by the way, check it out here) I was expecting the usual nonsense about respecting them and listening to them and showing our 'feelings' etc. Well, that was there, plus some other juicy tit bits that was just begging me to write a reply to. So here goes, a point by point dissection, courtesy of the Darkside.

1. We always know when you scratch your balls, even when you are just thinking about it. Women are very intuitive that way.

This was a real shocker. All these years I had been surreptiously scratching my nads, safe in the knowledge that the women were completely ignorant of my stealth activities. "Ha!", I would think, "She thinks I'm looking for my keys, but oh.. that.. feels.. gooood..."

Err, no. If this is what women call being intuitive, then we're really screwed. All I can say is that naal, you have been hanging around the wrong men. Or maybe it's your men that have too much, err, hanging. Either way, this is just bizarre.

2. We always know when you are looking at us or analysing our fat bottoms (or the lack of it). Again, an example of our intuitiveness.

Since when did the 'bottom' area become a no fly zone? Better that we're analysing your fat bottom (or the lack of it) than the random chick that crosses our path (and believe me, she's got one), right ? You know you check our butts out too, so let's all just get along.

3. We don't always think about sex; you do (studies have proven it to be so). So, the next time we hold your arm or kiss you; that's it, that's all we want. Nothing more. Unless, we take it further.

Hmm? Oh sorry, I was thinking about.. err.. my homework.

What's that? You feel that I don't find you attractive because I haven't made a move on you, thus making you doubt yourself and question my feelings for you? But honey, I've been waiting for YOU to take it further! Isn't that what you want? What's that? You want a man with some balls? Hey I have balls okay!! I've been scratching them all night...

4. You don't always need to hold you stomach in or flex your arms when you see us. Its okay if you have a few imperfections. We like it that way.

Sure you do. The more imperfections the better, right? My beer belly and unusually dense body hair is of no consequence, because you look at the 'inner man' and not - honey? I'm over here. Yes, that's Michael Phelps. Yes, he DOES seem to have an eight-pack. Fancy that. Honey, please don't drool, we're in public...

We want to be attractive, we want you to think we're hot. Now THAT'S a problem too. Go date Homer Simpson then.

5. WE DON'T LIKE THE SMELL OF STALE SWEAT!! Buy a deodorant, will you!! And while you are buying one, have a shower too!

So, as long as it's fresh sweat, is that alright?

6. When we talk about our problems, we usually don't want you to give us suggestions on how to solve it. We just want you to hear us out. We are perfectly capable of solving our problems ourselves (unless asked otherwise).

Hello, we're men. We like to fix things, it's in our nature. Forgive us for trying to give you a perspective on your problems that isn't your own or from some dumbass women's magazine. You want to talk to something that doesn't speak back? Leave a voice message. Or better yet, go talk to my grandma. She's dead.

7. When we decorate the house with fluffy pillows and such, its not cause we are trying to feminise you. We have been surrounded by such stuff since we were born. We just like it that way

When we brazenly set fire to your fluffy pillows and such, it's not cause we feel threatened by your femininity. We have been brainwashed to loathe and despise such 'stuff' since we were born. We're just crazy that way.

8. Sometimes, we just like to hold hands.

Sometimes, we just want to hold the remote.

9. We do like to be treated like little princesses (well.. sometimes). At other times we want to be treated like equally competent adults. You better take those mind reading classes now!!

We did. Then we quit and went for Jessica Simpson's new movie. Totally more worth it.

10. We eat smaller portions than you (at least in public) and we don't appreciate it if you comment on that. If we wanted to hog, we would have gotten our (equally hog-like) best friends along and not you.

We're not asking you to hog, we're asking you to have a healthy meal with us. Do you really think we're trying to fatten you up?! Do you think we're demented?? We're paying for it anyway, so you might as well enjoy yourself.

11. We like men who can hold their drinks and not men who start grabbing and groping after a few sips of lager

We like women who can hold their men and not start griping for drinks after a few seconds of Tiesto.

12. Cant you, for once, see a girly movie?? I mean, does it always have to be the latest Arnold, Sylvester, Bruce Willis?? We like those movies too. But can't you come with us for a good 'ole romantic comedy and hold us and pat our shoulders while we bawl our hearts out?

No.

13. Don't test our knowledge (latest Sly movie, exact distance between earth and mars and so on)and laugh/shake head/grin smugly/sigh if we cant answer the question. Do you know which is the next Meg Ryan movie?? No??? Then??

The reason we ask you about the latest Sly movie is because there IS no latest Sly movie. It's an easy-out question, just so that you can feel like we have a 'connection'. If you don't even know THAT, you are a dumbass. And if we cared about Meg Ryan movies, we would be dumbasses. Comprende?

Dumbass.

14. Tip the bloody waiter!! The last thing we need to know is how effing miserly you are.

I just paid for dinner! And forgive me for not wanting to tip a waiter that's been staring at your fat ass the whole time. I tip for good service, not for him imagining what kind of 'service' he can get.

15. Let us pay half of the bill. Please, it would be our pleasure and I am sure it wouldn't hurt....right???

So if i don't tip, I'm miserly. But if I don't pay for your meal, it would bring you pleasure.

Excuse me while I go back to scratching my balls.

16. We love cooking, as long as you clean up afterwards.

We love eating, as long as you can cook.

17. Respect our parents. For that matter, respect your own while you are at it.

I got nothing.

18. If you let us keep our personal space, we will let you keep yours.

Which is why you're filling my place with stuffed animals and little pink fluffy pillows. You don't see us trying to put up our swimsuit calendar in your room do you?!

Though that's probably because nothing on this planet would induce us to part with it...

19. Whoever said the world was round was stark raving mad!! The world is flat, like a table and if you go too far away from us, you will fall off from the earth and float endlessly in space.

Errm, oookaay. Excuse me, I need to go do this, err, thing. Yeah, family thingy. No, no, you stay here. No, I INSIST! Oh sure, I'll definitely call you! Totally! (Psycho.....!)

20. And finally, a lady never rants or raves. She speaks her mind!!

[Speechless with disbelief]

You know that list of blogs I wrote about that all had the words 'rant' and 'rave' in the title? ALL WOMEN!

[Speechless again]

[Brain explodes]

I guess some riddles are best left unsolved. Cheers!

(Naal: yes, it really was a good post, but I had to put my spin on it! Welcome to the Darkside!)