It's Not Cheating If...

... it's for practice.

Probably one of the funnier responses to a trending hashtag on twitter recently, followed by "it's your mother" and "we're on a 'break'... ".


Of late I have had several discussions and conversations about infidelity. It seems that it is the latest trend that is doing the rounds in all circles, both the friends and the famous. I am hardly the person to come to for juicy gossip; everyone knows I have little or no interest in other people's dramas, at least not enough to spread the word. However, this tight-lipped-ness is also a magnet for all those people that have stumbled onto a secret and are not allowed to tell another living soul. Apparently, I am either not living, or without a soul.


While filtering through all the 'goss' that comes to me (which I dutifully keep to myself, of course) I notice that I don't have to look to Hollywood or the tabloids for scandal. I hear of bizarre hook-ups, between best friends and ex's of siblings; I hear of cheating on spouses and lovers; I hear of drunken one-night stands and year long secret relationships. In short, life has become the set of "The Bold and The Beautiful".


I have often been called judgemental, so I try to be as open-minded to these things as possible. Having never been in such a situation, perhaps I do not get the thinking and the reasoning behind it. 'Angel' wrote a few interesting posts on the topic, but I'm not really trying to 'define' what cheating is, but rather the thinking behind it.


Take for example, dating an ex of your best friend or sibling. While men stick to the unwritten rule of "bro's before ho's" whenever possible, clearly someone forgot to create a witty saying regarding the bro's leftovers. I think there are some lines that just shouldn't be crossed, and if they are then you're either in the most understanding of relationships or in an episode of One Tree Hill. Same goes for best friends; I mean, how do you go out with someone knowing that your best friend has already - err - gone out with her? That's just not something you can male-bond over. As for women, well, you're going to have the "who's the ugly sister?" looping in your head throughout the relationship.


Infidelity in marriage is nothing new these days, infact it's almost yawn-inducing. It's come to the point where I am sure people get married just so that they can get involved in some steamy scandal ala the silver screen. "Marriage? You want me to get married Ammi? YES! FINALLY! No more conservative living, time to get my freak on...!"

In this strange world of infidelity, the one-night stand is probably one of the more forgivable, especially if there is alcohol involved.

"I wasn't in my senses baby", he says, tears streaming down his face, "I just had too much to drink at the strip club, and I thought I was in a Snoop video."

Why anyone would want to let that slide is beyond me; in my opinion you're just encouraging it in the future then. However, I'm not quite sure about that one though, so please, don't go experimenting based on anythin I say here!

Bottom line: I'm just a bit saddened that it's so hard to find completely faithful couples these days. There was a time when perhaps holding another girl a bit too closely would be equivalent to 'cheating', but nowadays people don't just cross the line, they run all the way to the end zone.

Falling In (Arranged) Love

Marriage. The very word conjures up images of drunk relatives, annoying in-laws, wailing babies and (subconsciously) divorce lawyers, at least among people of my age group. To us, bringing up marriage in a conversation inevitable ends with the unanimous conclusion that marriage is for 'later', and that anyone getting married 'now' is just foolish and throwing their life away.


This was all well and good, until something strange started happening to all my anti-marriage friends. They all started dying, one by one, under mysterious circumstances, and at every death there was a small bouquet of dead flowers left over their bodies.




Fine, they didn't. But they were definitely falling prey to the very demon they so adamantly denounced. One by one, they were either getting married or trying to get married!


Now this puts a whole different spin on the discussion. You see, our greatest fears had come true: 'later' had become 'now'! Suddenly all the staunch protests against the 'institute of marriage' and its so-called use as an 'instrument introduced by society to suppress the something or the other' vanish behind a cloud of 'I wonder what kind of colour scheme I want for the reception'. Or, in the guy's case, the boasting about freedom is replaced with talk about settling down and picking out a 'safe neighbourhood'.


Needless to say, it's all very confusing. I suddenly find myself hesitating before I make a 'wedding joke'; after all, you never quite know if the person you're joking with is secretly browsing potential brides/grooms profiles on the internet at night. And that is exactly my point.


You see, without our knowledge, we suddenly arrived at the stage in life where people DO get married, if not the guys then definitely for the girls in my group of friends. But no one told us that the rules had changed from our carefree years in college. Arranged marriages have become oh-so-fashionable these days, with both girls and guys having no qualms about posting their details on the internet and literally inviting all callers. I always assumed that the biggest challenge in getting married would be deciding whether or not the person you're with at the time really IS the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Instead, it's more about wording your 'requirements' in a way that will get you the best possible 'candidates'. Does anyone else get the reality TV vibe?


I have nothing against arranged marriages. Some of the happiest couples I know were the result of an arranged marriage. I guess it's just surprising to see exactly how many people are willingly settling for an arranged marriage, especially the so-called independent women that not too long ago simply laughed at the thought of letting their parents decide who they marry. For some it's merely a way to avoid the drama of dating and actually meeting someone and then going through all the trouble of making your parents like him/her. For others they blame the pressures of society and other vague 'powers' and simply shrug their shoulders in resignation.


It's all rather depressing, really.


Delilah wrote an interesting post here about love and logic, and I sort of agree with her in certain areas. However, I feel we've all become just too damn lazy and too damn impatient, and so we celebrate our 24th birthday by uploading a profile on a marriage website or sending out our "marriage CV's" into the aunty-network. Sure, it's socially and even culturally accepted here, but really, why settle for the easy way out?

The Darkside Does Weddings!

It took us nearly 90 minutes to get to the homecoming of one of my parents' friend's son, and it was a total waste of time. Why? Because I was bored out of my relatively easily tickled brain. Yes, I know that out of sheer desperation I have recently taken to Twitter to provide me with some entertainment; so if an actual social gathering with 'real people' was boring to me, that just proves my point even further!


However, not one to cry over spilt milk (unless of course it's on my g-Pod) I decided to pause and ponder about this whole 'Wedding' nonsense.


Contrary to popular belief, I am all in favour of marriage. I would love to get married. There, I said it! Would I want to get married now? Absolutely not! But sure, the wedding bells will definitely be tolling for me within the next 5 years, so I suppose it isn't a complete waste of time to spare a few thoughts to how it would actually go. So this one is for the unlucky girl that, in the near or distant future, sniffed pepper during dinner, said "I DO!" instead of "ACHOO!" among a cloud of witnesses and had to settle for a man with a slight obsession with the darkness.


1. We are not getting married underwater.


Or at the beach. Or in a hotel. Or in an empty swimming pool. Or while sky diving. I'm sorry, but as free thinking as I am capable of being, I draw the line at sensationalising the 'big day'. Surely the fact that you have managed to get me into this tuxedo and convince my loving but crazy relatives to sit together in a room at the same time should be sensational enough. Besides, aren't I enough for you baby? Okay don't answer that, I'll be waiting near the altar, do join me when you've finished having 'second thoughts'. Again.


2. No you're gym instructor cannot come to the wedding.


Look, I know you want to share the joy of this momentous - okay, you know what I mean - with the whole world, but do they all have to come to the wedding? What happened to the small quiet weddings, with just the people that actually know us? I understand all the politics between families and how we HAVE to invite certain people because it's "the right thing to do", but I really believe that people who know your body mass index better than they know YOU need not be taking up place in the pews.

Besides, if you're recurring 'second thoughts' surface again, well, let's just say he's a bit too buff for my liking.


3. The best man must be in my pocket.

No not literally! But if one of us does not have solid blackmail material against the 'best man', there is no way I am letting him step up to a microphone in front of my family and friends, thank you very much. While I have no issues at all with being made fun of, sordid stories of the groom's failed romantic endeavours are not what I would call appropriate at a wedding.

Best Man: Oh, [brides name] thinks she's lucky, but she was only the seventh pick you know. Hyuk hyuk hyuk!

Me (to wifey): Excuse me, honey. [takes out cell phone, dials reporter friend of major newspaper] Oh hi. Remember those photos of that drunk dude pissing on a cop car last Saturday night? You want his full name and address? What's that? No I don't know a Mr. Bibras Nawa, why do you ask....?



4. There will be no ceremony for the home coming.

Look, we're shelling out a lot for the wedding, for the reception, all that food, the honeymoon and that weird Gypsy Kings wannabe band that keeps playing this. After all that is said and done, do we have to throw a party when we get back as well? Yes, we're back home. Yes, our real lives begin now. Yes we have to go back to our boring jobs. Yes, now we are supposed to start fighting. Yes, now we have to keep convincing people that we're "not ready" for kids. Yes, the Maldives was absolutely divine and it was the best honeymoon in the history of time. Ahem.

Really, what's there to celebrate??


5. No kids in the ceremony.

Okay fine, kids can COME for the wedding, but in no way are we having them doing anything during the ceremony! I know it's cute having a little girl in some pink frilly outfit throwing flowers in your wake, or some kid in a miniature tuxedo handing the rings to the priest, but do you really think I would entrust children with anything of importance on the big day?! When have kids EVER been known to do as they are told?? That's just asking for trouble, and I'm stressed out as it is trying to keep you from running off with Mr. Yoga over there.

Yes, I hate kids, did you not know this? No, I won't hate our kids, because they will be awesome.

And if you think about it, I'm actually sparing the kids the shame and embarrassment of having to perform in front of a large crowd like as if they were trained monkeys in cute costumes.



Of course, the above points are all purely theoretical. By the time the big day finally comes around, the 'wifey' will be pulling my strings with such skill and precision that I won't even realise what I've agreed to till it's too late.


And by "too late", I mean when I'm standing on some beach somewhere, with sand between my toes and a slightly weak smile on my lips as my pink frilly bride makes her way towards me surrounded by a parade of snot nosed kids blowing bubbles, while I silently wonder why "Here Comes The Bride" rhymes rather suspiciously with "There Goes My Pride".

Domestic Disturbance

Though many have questioned my affinity for evil (with MC going so far as to say I have just a 'tinge'), I must agree that even I am not evil enough to make light of fights in the family. I have been on this earth 24 years now, and in almost every circle of society I have been a part of, there is always at least one tale of sorrow and separation in the family unit.


It's no surprise that in today's world, divorce is on the rise. We have no trouble blaming it on 'Western influences', just like we blame everything from obesity to global warming on them. Perhaps there is some grain of truth in it though; the ease in which divorces seem to be reached nowadays in the western world is probably motivation for us to seek the easy way out rather than to stick it out and fix issues. Not only that, but divorce has become so much more socially acceptable that any deterrent effect that may have had on a couple seeking divorce has evaporated.


I am not married, and I have no backing to lay blame or to declare the right and wrong of the issue. Personally, I have what may be considered an 'old-fashioned' view on marriage, in that I consider it binding. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, just like I believe in God. I don't know about you, but I'd be rather unnerved, to say the least, to break a promise that I make in front of God and a cloud of witnesses. Naive? Sue me.


But when I think about the youth of today, growing up in families that are continuously on edge, tearing each other apart, living in a world filled with violence, anger, lies, betrayal - I wonder perhaps if separation is, in a way, a sweet release. If you told a child that mom and dad will stop fighting if they separate, I think anyone would take it.


My family, just like every family, has had problems. I know full well how it feels to wake up in the morning and pray that the issues of the previous night have been resolved and do not find their way to the breakfast table. I know full well how it feels when those prayers are not answered. However, I am an adult, and so I have to think like one as well. And I wonder, how fair is it for me to expect a family to stay together just for the kids? Isn't that asking for too much; asking grown men and women to put up with their hatred and disgust with each other simply so that they can give an impression of unity to the kids and the outside world?


We have too many young adults in the world now with daddy issues. While some of them may turn out alright and record songs about their problems like Staind, the rest are only contributing to the broken next generation. The problem with marriage, in my opinion, is that we are naive to think it only affects the two people involved. It doesn't. This isn't dating, and you're not in high school. There are families involved, not only when there are children, though that just makes it all the more detrimental.


Perhaps we just need to take a step back and realise what marriage really entails before we dive into it simply because our folks are getting antsy for grandchildren or because some dude fell on his knees at dinner and shoved a diamond into your gaping face.


And this is my version of Staind's "For You". Click here to download the song if you don't have the patience to watch the video.

Staind - For You

Rambling Rants, Raves and Reasons To Not Get Married

Good morning all! It's Monday - the day when all things in life return to routine and when all happy feelings of the weekend fade into oblivion faster than a Jessica Simpson single. After my usual cursory glance through the blogosphere, I make two completely unsurprising discoveries.

1. There are the usual rants, raves and ramblings regarding men, marriage and massages. Well, alright, massages I just threw in to make it rhyme.

2. The words 'rant', 'rave', 'random' and 'rambling' are the most common words in the Sri Lankan blogosphere. There are so many different combinations of these words in people's blog names, followed by some derivative of 'lunatic', 'nutter', 'hatter' or the such, that I start to wonder if I somehow didn't get a memo or something.

To rectify the second point, I have decided to rename this blog as - THE RANDOM DAILY DARKSIDE RAMBLINGS OF A RANTING RAVING RETARD!

Okay maybe not.

As for the first point, well, since we're all worried about marriage and finding our soul mates and meeting our prince and/or princess (depending on your preference - no judgement here!) I feel it necessary to share this little note I came across which may come in handy, especially if someone you know is heading down the dreaded road of martydom. Err, I mean, marriage, sorry.

Enjoy!

(Courtesy Barney Stinson's blog - save the note on your comp if it isn't clear enough to read)

Movie Marriage Myths

In one of my earlier posts, I was accused of being against marriage (among other things). This however is completely false; marriage is a wonderful union and is an event that should be looked forward to in anyone’s life. (No, I am not being sarcastic; why can’t people take me seriously anymore?) If some people would rather look forward to it for longer than others, that’s perfectly fine with me; I for one plan to speak of it in the future tense for another decade, if I can manage it.

But just like all things nowadays, the institute of marriage has been corrupted. Yes, what was once considered a sacred union of two mature individuals that are willing to commit the rest of their lives to each other, has now been reduced to a meaningless archaic proceeding. Who needs marriage, they ask, when society seems quite happy to allow people to live together, sleep together and have children together before walking down the aisle together? Sure, I mean, what else is there to marriage after all? Ok now THAT was sarcasm.

Once again, I blame the media. The media and our gullibility; these two go hand in hand when it comes to explaining most of the world’s bizarre behaviour. To further the authenticity of this post, I conducted a poll. (Yes, at ‘Darkside Daily’, we do our research, thank you very much). Out of the large number of people polled, 94% agreed that television and Hollywood had a significant influence on their perception of marriage. The other 6% were lying. Alright fine so I didn’t take a poll, sue me.

In light of these false findings, I have decided to unearth some marriage myths which may be considered acceptable thanks to the big-screen BS. So get your pen out and start taking notes.

1. The best friend is your worst enemy.

Yes, contrary to many Hollywood movies, leaving the fiancé at the altar to run after the hot ‘best-friend’ who loves you in secret is not the best way to get hitched. Ditching the fiancé after the engagement is not considered a lesser evil either by the way, even if he is your ‘true soul mate’ (The Notebook). For some reason, it’s always the bride-to-be who performs this atrocious act; apparently the groom can only get away with this if they look like Matthew McConaughey (The Wedding Planner). Even if you don’t ditch the groom, kissing the friend due to some cute display of his emotions is not exactly what I’d call the road to a happy marriage either (Keira Knightley in ‘Love Actually’).

2. Weddings that take place under the influence do not work out happily.

If you do wake up one fine morning with the hangover from hell and a wedding ring from someone whose name you can’t pronounce, this does NOT mean that things will turn out happily in the end. You will NOT fight with him over his stupidity only to find that he’s really sweet, really. You will NOT annul the marriage only to look back and realise those few days of your fake ‘marriage’ were the best of your life. You will NOT be forced to work together as a team for some bizarre reason, only to find out how great you are together. (Please refer ‘Laws of Attraction’, ‘What happens in Vegas’, ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’)

You WILL however sign a blood oath never to touch the Devi’s Nectar for as long as you live.

3. An elaborate wedding does not imply that your partner doesn’t love you.

It seems to be common sense that if your spouse-to-be envisions a large wedding celebration, full of pomp and splendour, it is a sure sign that said spouse does not have real feelings for you. In fact, the accused is probably doing it all for show, and hence considers you merely a showpiece. Get out of this marriage! Leave her at the altar and run away with the woman who organised this wedding in the first place, only because she wants a simple ceremony. The fact that she looks like Jennifer Lopez has nothing to do with it, sure (‘Wedding Planner’).

4. The in-laws are not out to get you.

According to Hollywood, meeting the parents of your spouse-to-be is a bad, bad idea. Why? Apparently because they’ll put you through a series of psychologically taxing and mentally challenging tests in order to find a reason why you shouldn’t marry their son/daughter. No, meeting the in-laws does not necessarily spell disaster; they don’t have some kind of agenda to separate their son/daughter from you. To be honest, if you’re spending a weekend with the in-laws and you can’t seem to do a single thing right, insult the family by accident and engage in other comical and marriage breaking activities, it probably means you’re a complete idiot. Or Ben Stiller; whichever is worse. (Kindly refer ‘Meet the Parents’, ‘Guess Who?’, ‘License to Wed ‘ )

5. Weddings are not the place to find your soul mate.

Yes, you’re at a wedding, she’s at the same wedding; hence it must have been fate that brought you both together, right? Wrong. Just because nuptials are ‘in the air’, doesn’t mean that women turn up at the ceremony all ready to say hello to Mr. Right. If you think about it, there’s an extremely high chance that the beautiful girl across the room smiling at you is in fact your second-cousin. So unless you’re looking to bring a couple of retard kids into the world, beware of wedding hook-ups!

Oh I could go on and on, but these are just a few starting hints that Hollywood doesn’t know anything about marriage. It’s no wonder that we read of a celebrity divorce every week, they’re probably at a total loss to explain why their own real-life marriage isn’t working out like their scripts.

So readers, if you are planning on getting married in the near future; congrats! Just remember to follow these five steps and you’ll be able to get your man/woman to the altar, no problem.

After that, well, you’re on your own; though I’ll probably have advice for you on that subject in a decade or so (fingers crossed!), so stay tuned!

Till divorce do us part

When God created the Earth (this is the part where the aethist segment of my readers switch to another window...) He decided it would be prudent to earmark the passing of one year with four seasons. We are all reasonably intelligent people, so we already know this. Unless you live in Sri Lanka, where the concept of winter is like the idea of an honest politician; non-existent. But then, we as humans have carried it much further.

Yes, we now have a season for everything. There are sports seasons for every, well, sport. We have a season of giving during Christmas. The season of colours in India during holi, as well as a season of lights. To those still struggling in the grip of universities and schools, we have exam seasons. Thanks to valentines day, we have a so-called season of love. And then there's marriage.

Ah, marriage. Some wonder why we have such gooey and bubbly feelings about marriage, when the very ceremony involves agreeing to the morbid statement of "till death do us part". Sort of tells you where its all going to lead doesnt it?

Those of you who know me personally know that marriage is a taboo subject for me. It's all well and good, and I'm not against it per say; I'm just not into discussing it right now. I'm in the prime of my life, for crying out loud! This is my time to enjoy life to the fullest, pack my bags every now and then and head out on some wild adventure, hunting wildebeast in the African plains or if all else fails, wild girls in the not-so-African plains of Colombo. The fact that I do neither, is a different and unrelated topic all together...

But as I was saying, I'm all for marriage. Marriage is a good thing! God was all for it as well, and so he gift-wrapped a wife for Adam in the shape of Eve. The fact that things went considerably south for Adam afterwards is, again, completely besides the point.

However, it is increasingly difficult to find fellow believers in wedlock. The media is no help whatsoever. The only thing that the average person loves to read about more than a celebrity dream wedding is a celebrity nightmare divorce. Jus recently the Sir Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce was all over the headlines, and not just because it was over. The attention was at the sum involved in the settlement. Apparently Ms Mills was seeking £125 million and only (yes, only) received £25 million. She was also 'outraged' that the judge had ruled Sir McCartney's asset value as £400 million instead of her estimate of £800 million.

Mind-boggling numbers. And there are so many more, such as Michael Jordan (£84 million, or $168 million), Neil Diamond (£75 million, or $150 million), Steven Spielberg (£50 million, or $100 million) and Harrison Ford (£42.5 million, or $85 million), all who are no stranger to the (financial) pain of divorce. You'd think that considering this was Harrison Ford's second wife, he'd know better!

Despite all this, we're all thrilled when celebrity couples DO get married. Maybe we're just excited to see how long it'll be before the pair are throwing money at each other instead of promises of never-ending love. In which case Pamela Anderson has provided ample material, getting married to Tommy Lee, Kid Rock and some other reject if I'm not mistaken. Not much odds for those marriages, one of them lasted only 2 months! And then there was Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman. I mean, come on! That was doomed from the start! (Rodman - 6 foot 10 inches. Electra - 5 foot 3 inches. Go figure!) Recently it was Beyonce and Jay Z who got engaged, and I can already see the fallout from their divorce; both with new no.1 singles on the chart, titled "Bills Bills Bills (The divorce version)" and "99 problems (and the b**** IS one)". And if you've heard about Beyonce's on-stage persona known as "Sasha", you can only wonder who Jay-Z is actually getting married to....

Yet if we look real close, we do find a few sources of light in the murky darkness of celebrity marriages. Though of course, we hear less of them thanks to the media, just not interesting enough unless there's an affair with a personal assistant thrown in somewhere. Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf, to name a few that come to mind.

But it was Daniel Craig who restored my faith in the sanity of celebrities; when asked about his engagement with girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell, he simply replied it was none of their business, and that he didn't believe in publicly announcing his marriage plans, as only members of the royal family do that.