April Fools And Other Fools

What is the purpose of April Fools Day? Now, don't go rolling your eyes at me! Think about it: is it simply a day where we are all licensed to lie, cheat and swindle? Hardly sounds like something to celebrate, does it? And if it is an excuse to test your skills of 'foolery' out then is it really advisable to do so when everyone on the entire planet is expecting it? I am tempted to google the story behind April Fools Day but I'll leave that to my more research oriented readers to figure out.


I have hardly every pulled a really note-worthy prank on April 1st, though that's probably due to the reason that I generally pull one out when even I least expect it. However, I doubt I'll ever forget the 1st of April 2002. I was in the first year of college, and it so happened that one of our friend's birthday was the next day. Since it was exam season, we were compelled to put our books aside and put our minds to more practical use. By 1030pm, we had surreptitiously put all the clocks on the entire floor forward by one hour, and at 11pm we got the entire floor to turn up at his doorstep screaming "Happy Birthday!" (accompanied by the usual string of expletives). Needless to say, the boy was completely confused and totally unprepared for the traditional birthday thrashing that is so famous in our hostels. After a good half hour of kicks and bumps and what-not, we all shook hands with him and told him it was still April Fools Day, and that we were coming back in 30 minutes to repeat the whole ordeal again! The poor soul was dumbstruck with disbelief, and could only prepare himself for the encore by wearing 7 pairs of underwear. Yes, seven, and we know this because we counted while we removed them off of him. Don't ask.


In other news, the job hunt is in such a deplorable state I wouldn't be surprised if I was more successful searching for life on Mars. My little notebook in which I write down the posts for which I have applied sits on my bedside cupboard with an aura of mocking bemusement, as week after week I fill in another couple entries while noting the prior failed applications. However, I am not entirely to blame for my current state of unemployment.


Perusing the ads in the papers can be a rather enlightening experience if you analyse it. I have already mentioned earlier my confusion at the number of decent jobs available to school leavers and O/L pass students, but recently I have noticed another twist in the tale. Not only are companies looking for school leavers for all sorts of 'executive' positions, but now they want them to have work experience as well! How is someone 'between 18 and 22 years of age' supposed to have 'minimum of 3 years experience' in marketing, advertisement and/or management?? The same can be said for technical jobs. I doubt you'll find a single individual in the country that is under 25years of age and has '5 years experience in pipe laying and electrical conduit maintenance'! I thought joining university at 17 years was quite young, but apparently these days the average 17 year old has already completed his secondary and tertiary education along with CIMA and a 2 year course in nuclear physics!


Happy April Fools Day indeed - the jokes on me!

Face Value

As the days go by, the world is becoming more and more tech-savvy. At least, that's the term of choice nowadays, instead of admitting that we're all a bit mad. Yesterday we were drooling over the Blackberry and the iPhone, but today we are designing Blackberry's for kids; yes, a colourful handheld 'PDA style' toy for toddlers that thankfully doesn't connect to the internet. As if the youth of today needed any additional training in the art of text messaging - they basically shoot out of the womb with a wireless headset in their ear, and while in the past the doctor's were greeted by the sound of a baby crying they shouldn't be surprised if they now deliver a baby that's beeping. Exaggeration? Read this. This girl sent 14000 text messages in a month. I rest my case.


In fact, we've come to a place where little or no interaction is required for even the most mundane tasks. Even the age old customs of buying the groceries has now been replaced by the 'internet fridge', which basically allows us to sit in the kitchen and do absolutely nothing while men deliver random food items to your door without you asking for it. If only you didn't have to walk all the way to to the door to sign for it. Eureka!


With this shift that life has taken towards everything cordless, wireless, lossless and pointless, it's not uncommon to find ourselves with a sort of split personality, the online one which everyone sees and adores, and the real one which is a just a tad, well, blah. Sabby wrote an interesting post about blogging and anonymity, and I think it's relevant here.


But what I really want to point out is the paramount importance of the DP, also known as your Display Picture. Yes, it seems that while most of our interactions have now taken to the online format, there are still some people that like to see what you actually look like. I'm sure the tech nerds of all those little internet chat forums etc are still seething against this little detail, but thanks to the magic of photoshop and other such devices, hope is not lost.


See, appearances mean everything, as I wrote earlier. While it's true that most jobs still require a personal interview, the fact that you even got to that stage is at least partly due to that smart looking photograph on your resume. Yes, the one with the slight inclination, the soft toning, the twinkling eyes and in the case of the women (and some men unfortunately) the wind effect blowing your hair into formations that would make Pocahontas jealous. Who wouldn't want that kind of person working for them?


The same can be said for Facebook and other such social networking sites. Your profile pic is what makes or breaks you, especially if you're the type of person looking to meet people online. Don't have a good pic of yourself? No worries - a little sepia effect here, a little cropping there, a little blur effect around there, and voila! You're a movie star. It's also not so common knowledge that companies search for potential candidates names over these sites. So if you send in a crystal clear super glossy high class resume, with bells on, you probably might lose the job if they type your name in google and come up with that profile picture of you smoking a joint at the beach.


Which is why my profile picture is a carefully engineered picture of me just after Christmas service, with the right amount of shading and a slight fading out of the background. It's terribly fake, and my certain someone thought that I had some sort of a cloud behind my head (it was a white bag that had been blurred out), but hey - I want to get hired.


And even if my resume stinks, at least I have a pretty face!

Exhausted

I'm exhausted. And I like it.

There is something personally gratifying to be completely and utterly physically exhausted. Despite how that may sound, I am definitely not masochistic; I assure you that the only 'rush' I experience out of cutting myself is the rush to the first aid cabinet.

When I was in college, I used to play basketball for at least two hours every day without fail. Somehow I'd drag myself back to my room (which, despite changing blocks several times during my studies, was never on the ground floor) and simply collapse on the floor. There I'd lie for at least 30 minutes, sitting under the fan, drenched in sweat, feet on fire and muscles burning from exertion. It was a good feeling; so good that many times I have considered just laying like that till morning (of course, I never did though; I may be a guy, but I have some sense of cleanliness - my room mate's continuous wailing helped too). I may never have been a great basketball player, but I have always considered myself an athlete. Being able to tell myself at the end of the day that I squeezed out every drop of effort (and perspiration) into the game left me with a feeling of achievement, which made the resulting body ache, exhaustion and occasional bruises, muscle pulls and rolled ankles completely worth it.

So after a few minutes of lying comatose on the floor, I'd gingerly pick myself up and have a nice hot bath. Yes, a hot bath; despite the fact that I lived in 32 degree heat, for there are few things on earth more soothing to aching muscles than a hot bath. That, and being pampered by your girlfriend over a late dinner after a nice hot bath .

Physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion are too very different things. Mental exhaustion leaves you feeling helpless, and incapable of handling anything more that comes your way. It is a state of desperation, occasionally depression, and has a much longer lasting effect on a person.

And, it is something that is so prevalent in today's world. Everywhere I look, everyone I meet, is exhausted from dealing with the stress and strife of today's modern life. We are told by our elders that it is necessary to go through this phase to become complete. What they're really telling us is "this is the real world, get used to it".

This is not a rant, I'm not complaining about the way life is, or how hard it is to get through it while still holding onto your sanity.

No. I'm just tired. Physically exhausted. And I figure, I should enjoy this while I can, because soon there won't be oppurtunity for me to run the floor, or to push myself to the limits during my evening runs, or working out in the gym. Soon, I'll be employed somewhere, most likely Colombo, and the only type of exhaustion I'll be experiencing will be the mental kind.

So, let me enjoy this. While I can.

Ten Things I Hate About Interviews

This morning I got a call for a job interview, however despite my fervent efforts to get a job, I was only mildly interested in getting the call; in the last 3 months I had been to many interviews, some good and some just, well, interesting! I have since come to the conclusion that interviews are terribly annoying, and people only put up with them because it's the only way to get hired. Though I cannot claim to be highly qualified in the art of appearing for an interview, I can rant about some of the bizarre questions and statements I've come across till now.


1. "So mister... err... Gay-haan. Tell me about yourself"

What is the point in this question? Is it not enough that I took the trouble to painstakingly put together my entire life on three sheets of paper, and now you want me to repeat it to you?? Didn't you read it in the first place?? It's not like my story is going to change - you're not going to find out about my secret addiction to cough syrup or something!

And its not GAYHAAN!!

2. "Oh you're from Kandy? Oh. So how are you going to manage that?"

Seriously, is it so hard to believe I could find accommodation in the great city of Colombo? Is it easier to believe that I'd spend 3 hours on a bus to get to work, and then spend 4 hours on the bus to get back home, sleep for 5 hours and do it again?! I'm desperate, but I'm not THAT desperate!


3. "You studied in India is it?"

No. Actually I studied in Azerbaijan, but my spell-check was a bit out-dated and changed it to India. So I just went with it. Dumbass.


4. "Do you speak English well?"

The question is, do YOU speak English well?? Cos I'm speaking it right now aren't I?! Judge for yourself!

Dumbass.

5. "We are a large multinational corporation that deals with international clients on a daily basis, our head office is based in London and we are currently expanding our network to incorporate the Sri Lankan market. You will be given the prestigious job of handling interplanetary trade and will be required to communicate with the starship Enterprise...."

Translation: We are a tiny ass piece-o-crap company that does the dirty work for some UK dudes so whenever we answer the phone we need to have a British accent and say " 'Allo Guv'nor!".

6. "We encourage independent work and self-motivated people to expand our borders and reach out to more diverse clientele. You will receive incentives based on your performance."

This means that after they hire you, they're not going to be around to tell you what to do or how to do it. Instead, they will expect you to go running around like a headless chicken in an attempt to figure out what exactly your job IS and then when you fail miserably, they will have an excuse not to pay you.

7. "What does your father do?"

He is currently involved in a secret government project aimed at retrieving the carcasses of stray dogs and turning them into super soldiers that are capable of spitting balls of fire and pooping kryptonite. What does it matter what my father does?! If you're so interested why don't you call him for an interview too?? OK please don't.

8. "What kind of remuneration package are you expecting?"

Wait, so, you're asking ME how much money I want?? Well I'd like how much you're getting, but I doubt that's going to happen, so why not just tell me how much you're willing to offer instead of playing these little games??

9. "Oh, well, err, since it's just a trainee position, and you're inexperienced, we can offer [insert insultingly low salary figure here]"

WHAT?! But you said it was a 'prestigious job'! You're a 'multinational firm'! I'll be responsible for communicating with the 'Enterprise'.....!

10. "Ah. Well. Of course, but that all takes TIME, and first you will be given training in [insert unheard-of-and-most-likely-war-torn city name here]... "

!?!?!

Feel free to add to the list, if you've had any interesting interview incidents. I'll probably have to append this post once I finish with this new interview, though it would take a lot to surprise me now.

Laughter In The Loo

In my post "Land of the blind", I mentioned that I was looking for employment. Well, after sending out my CV to several HR managers from several firms, I finally landed an interview. Unlike last time, the company was not in the floral business, and in fact was quite a heavy weight in the health care sector. Needless to say I was surprised to get the call; I hadn't even inserted my photo in the CV to advertise my 'fabulous hair'.

So, a shirt and tie, a three hour drive and we were in Colombo. The address led me to a rather decent office, and the receptionist ushered me to the waiting room. Finally it was my turn, and I walked in to the interview room.

The interview went quite well, if I do say so myself; this of course means that I completely and utterly fooled him. I gave the man my best I'm-a-serious-and-confident-man-who-doesn't-have-time-for-pointless-blogs impression, complete with the 'furrowed eyebrows of concentration' and the 'I understand' nod. It lasted a lot longer than I anticipated, and after 35 minutes I believe I left the interviewer with a favourable and completely inaccurate impression of me. Mission accomplished; 007 couldn't have pulled off a better piece of deception. Seeing as I was now mentally relieved, I decided to make a slight detour to the loo on my way out to, well, 'relieve'.

Going by the interview, this was a serious company. They were involved in some major projects all over the island, supplying health care solutions to several hospitals. They didn't undertake private inquiries at all; they were solely involved in government projects. They brochure was flooded with names like 'USAID', 'WHO', 'UNICEF', 'Apollo Hospitals' and, the mother of them all, the Sri Lankan Ministry of Health (gasp! applause!).

But I was pleasantly surprised to find that people still had a sense of humour there. For right next to the urinals, someone had hung a sign in an attempt encourage employees to show a little cleanliness at work, and not just on the job.

Forgive the picture quality, I took it with my camera phone in rather low light. Besides, the shutter sound that the phone made when I took the picture was a little embarrassing, so I didn't bother to take a better one.

Land of The Blind

As I’ve mentioned many times before, when I started blogging I had no real direction or purpose. I had no illusions of overnight fame or sudden world-wide recognition either. However, I must admit that somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, I secretly hoped that people would actually LIKE what I wrote.

Yes, well, it’s safe to assume that those expectations have gone up in smoke. To date I have received numerous accusations, from the bizarre (“You need a girlfriend”) to the downright mean (“You’re so jobless, get a life. And a girlfriend”).

Not one to take such constructive criticism lightly, I decided to take appropriate measures to fix my flaws. After many failed attempts at acquiring a girlfriend (“Can we at least be friends? Can I just tell people that you’re my girlfriend? Please?? I write a blog by the way….”) I decided to attack the Sunday papers to remedy my ‘joblessness’.

Two hours, one crossword, several cartoons and a few magazines later, I reached the employment section. This is not my first time browsing through the employment section; it was through the papers that I landed my first job interview a long time ago. It was at an IT firm that was looking for ‘business development executives’. Despite my lack of experience in the field, based on the assurances of a ‘complete training’ by the ad and the fact that they actually called me for an interview, I decided to give it a shot. When I reached the address however, I found myself standing in front of a rather large floral shop. Convinced I had the wrong place (or that I was part of the most elaborate and original prank ever) I called the number from the paper. Well what do you know; the so-called ‘IT firm’ is actually located on the first floor of the floral shop, and in fact shared the waiting room (and receptionist) with them. So there I was, in my shirt and tie and shiny shoes, feeling like a complete idiot while being surrounded by anxious in-laws and even more anxious brides-to-be planning out their nuptials. When I was finally called up for my interview, the first question that I asked was which genius thought that this would be a prime location to attract IT clients. Apparently the founders of this ‘firm’ were also the founders of the floral shop. Talk about diverse interests. Amid assurances that it was a ‘temporary’ situation, we got on with the interview. It didn’t take me long to realise that they were slightly mad. It seems their idea of ‘business development executive’ was someone who would run the Kandy branch of their ‘IT firm’ from the Kandy branch of their floral shop. For a span of three full seconds, I envisioned myself as head honcho, running the entire branch, king of my castle; a castle of dandelions and roses. I couldn’t run away from the interview fast enough.

Needless to say, I resolved to be a bit more cautious while browsing the ads this time. Now, I’m not exactly a man with a host of qualifications. A degree, a diploma, no work experience but nice hair. Surely someone would want me. But evidently I was wrong. Most of the large firms and companies were looking for people to replace in key managerial positions, such as operations managers and technical and logistics managers. Such positions naturally warranted at least 5 years of experience, MBA’s, degrees in business and economics and financial management and god-knows-what-else. The technical vacancies were not promising either; apparently there is an insurmountable dearth of air condition specialists. Everyone from the Ports Authority to Pizza Hut was looking for one.

Not one to give up so easily, I continued on. After seriously considering joining the new Burger King in Saudi Arabia (“Free one way ticket included? Hmmm...”) I reached the jobs that did not need extensive work experience or a 101 degree’s in things I didn’t even know you could get a degree in. But here I was faced with a different dilemma; all the apprenticeships and trainee jobs were looking for school leavers! And this wasn’t just one or two ads; there was a whole host of companies offering rather attractive job opportunities to high school drop-outs. All of a sudden I find myself in the rather awkward position of being over-qualified. Me, over-qualified; who’d have imagined that?!

To me, this is just another example of the stupidity of the world. Instead of encouraging our rather retarded and jaded youth into educating themselves and trying to pursue a respectable and high earning career, we provide them with even more motivation to drop out of school by looking for people with ‘minimum GCE O/L pass’ and offering them titles such as ‘corporate sales / marketing executives’. Who can blame them for not wanting to finish 12 years of school when as long as you pass 10 years somehow you can get a job without a problem? How can you explain to a 16-year-old on the verge of earning for the first time that in the long run, having a proper education will be a better decision? All he can see in his head is a five figure salary and a playstation.

So despite not being able to find anything really enticing for myself, at least I can see where our country is heading in the next 5 years. All these teens will have years of work experience in their firm and also the inability to get a job anywhere else, as well as the inability to get promoted to a higher position due to their, you guessed it, lack of qualifications. The larger firms will be forced to increase their requirements to ‘persons below the age of 65’ and smaller firms will have to remain small. As for these 20-somethings without an A/L qualification, they’ll be forced to open their own firms and send out ads that will probably look something like this:

"Wanted! Helper to the General Manager. We are a firm that does cool stuff like buying stuffs and selling stuffs at higher price to other people so that we make major moneys. Should be able to type and count in English language. Will be nice if you are a girl under 21. If not then also its ok. Send your papers to my address, or go to my facebook profile. If you are girls send pics also, will be appreciate. Fat people, old people, ugly people and people without grade 6 pass need not apply."

It’s not all bad though, I mean, you know what they say: “In the land of the blind, the one eyed midget is king”.

Guess who’s suddenly ‘qualified’ to be the one-eyed midget….?

Monday Mourning

It's a familiar scene around the world. Your eyes fly open, you look at the clock. Damn, you've overslept! Fall out of bed, brush, wash, try not to admit you've aged 5 years in the last 2 days, burn off your tonsils with coffee, run a comb through your hair, run out the front door. Yes, it could only be Monday.

History has proved that Monday is just not a good day for, well, anything. It was Monday, October 19th 1987 (now known as Black Monday, no less) when stock markets around the world were hit by one of the biggest losses in recent history; the Dow Jones itself fell by 22%, losing billions. It was a Monday, November 18th 1929 when a devastating undersea earthquake measuring 7.2 on the Richter scale struck off the coast of Newfoundland, destroying vital transatlantic underground submarine cables and causing a tsunami that wiped out many communities in the Burin Peninsula. It was November 4th 1957 when the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 2 with a dog named Laika on board, becoming the first country to launch a living creature into orbit. Being a Monday however, this story could not have a happy ending; apparently, the capsule was not designed to be retrievable and she died a few hours later from stress and overheating. It was a Monday when God decided "Right, I've had enough of this lot, I'm going to flood this planet and kill off everything. Except for Noah, because he's the only one sober enough to build a boat..."

Yes, we're all familiar with the Monday blues. Unless of course, you live in some Arab emirate, where the week starts on Sunday. How bizarre is that? I wonder if they call it the Sunday blues then. Next thing you know, they'll declare August the first month of the year and call 3 o'clock in the afternoon 'midnight'.

I believe that the degree of depression one feels on a Monday morning is largely dependant on how you spend your weekend. If you've spent a large majority of your Saturday and Sunday unconscious, or better still, in jail ("yesh mishter po-leesh-offisher, I seen the man who hit me car, and hish name be Jack Daniels"), chances are Monday morning will bring the usual vows of eternal sobriety and, along with it, the increased loathing for one's job. Then there are the 'party animals', whose sole purpose is to dislocate every bone in their body by gyrating to some devils orchestra of electronic blips and squeaks (its apparently called music. I call it "listening to Star Wars' R2D2 dialogues in fast forward"). But then Monday comes around, and with it the realisation that you have now lost 25% of your hearing, you have no sensation in your feet anymore, sleeping 6 hours in 48 is not the best way to come to work, and that you're a lot older than you thought you were last night.

Or maybe it's a bit of weed that keeps your weekend spinning. Literally. Yes, what better way to spend one's free time than to light up a joint, listen to Pink Floyd and discuss the utter pointlessness of ones life with your friends, who by this time can only be resolved into foggy little blurs of colour thanks to your drug of choice. I can only imagine the pain of coming down to Earth on Monday. No, you are not a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, you are not floating on a river of love, that epiphany you had over the weekend about saving the world might not pan out after all, and your right ear lobe does not look like the shape of Africa. Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

Yes there is no escaping the Monday blues. Even if you're a student; inevitably you end up spending the wee hours of Monday morning frantically putting together a week's worth of assignments. Who knew there was so much work?! I guess you have no choice but to resort to your tried and tested dog-ate-my-homework excuse. Oh, that's a real winner. Now if only you had a dog...

But then there are the few of you who end up spending your weekends with family, cocooned in a snug blanket of warmth and happy feelings. To you, going to work is a weekly emotional ordeal, a bitter and heart-wrenching experience, as you tearfully wave goodbye in typical hindi-movie-bride style, perhaps with Celine Dion's "My heart will go on" playing in the background. Not that I've ever heard of a hindi-movie with Celine Dion in it, but you get the point.

Me? Oh my weekend has been great. My exams are over (no more business law and economics, thank you very much!), ze Germans have yet to make an attempt at my life (someone actually asked me to write more often. Being a Saturday however, I can only assume he was drunk.), the NBA playoffs have begun in spectacular fashion (a game 1 upset and a double-overtime game in the first two days!), Danica Patrick finally won an Indy race (I can now claim to be a fan of her driving skills and not her, well, err, hmmm..), the Premier League is down to a photo-finish thanks to Manchester United's draw with Blackburn, and the parents are going to Thailand for a week, giving me free reign at home and the oppurtunity to terrorize my brother without restriction.

Yes, life is good!