I have said many times before that I do my best thinking when I'm staring out the window of a speeding vehicle. Many times, that speeding vehicle has been hurtling me to or away from someone I love. I feel like that is the very definition of 'bitter sweet'.
We all have moments in life that beckon a new chapter, or a new start, in a new location. Be it studies, work, or personal reasons, it is a rare individual who can say that he or she has been in the same place and around the same people all his life.
I used to hate saying goodbyes in college. It reminded me how far behind I was with regards to everyone else. It reminded me that I was not supposed to be here. I watched near and dear leave in buses and trains, never to return. I waved goodbye to love so many times, and I remember every one of them. Eventually, it became a routine.
Is there a limit to how much loss one can take? Are we as indestructible as we sometime like to think we are? Just animals that grow to adapt and move on regardless of circumstance? Do we form attachments for psychological reasons alone, and not because of reasons of the heart? I had often thought that the hardships of the past had hardened my heart to feel pain solely for myself. I had come to accept that I was now a selfish man, who looked at others hardships through the tainted and skewed glasses of bitterness. I acknowledged that I no longer listened to others troubles so that I could help; instead I listened only to justify my actions in the light of theirs; to find reason to say that I was tougher than them.
Recently, I said goodbye to yet another friend. Not a lifelong buddy, not a brother who had confided me, not a lover who had trusted me. Just - a friend. A friend who had to say goodbye under the most awful, unjust and cruel conditions. And, I actually felt it when I said goodbye.
It gives me hope, for I honestly thought that I was beyond it by now. I am glad that I can still feel others pain, and reach out regardless of the situation.
To quote Incubus - love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive.