Perfection And Promises

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I stood at the entrance to my room and paused, just to survey it. It was somewhat spartan, and yet it felt homely to me. Doesn't speak much of my idea of 'home' I suppose. My trusty bedside lamp was on, providing me with its inadequate and yet appropriately dull yellow glow; a peaceful silence seeped through the curtainless windows, waiting as if with bated breath.

"Must get curtains.", I tell myself. I need my privacy, and never as much as I needed it tonight.

The bed was made, and the fan was on. I almost hated to switch it on, it disturbed the quiet that I had been soaking in till then. At that point I realised I was being rather OCD about all this, and I smiled to myself. She was just coming to say 'hi', that's all.

I moved my shoes to the corner, sat on the bed and once again surveyed the room. I felt myself growing anxious with every passing minute in my attempt to make everything just right. I wasn't even sure what I was expecting for that night; all I knew was that I had learned to expect the unexpected. Just a few weeks earlier I had been 'surprised' at Odel; I wasn't going to let that happen again.

"Odel.", I whispered, a wry smile on my lips. I would have to get her back for that.

I turned to my laptop and flicked through iTunes, looking for something that would befit the mood. I knew so little about her, and yet I knew her so well. Kings of Leon were her favourite then, but instead I decided to queue some Andy McKee. Gentle yet precise music, with no vocals; in a strange way I found that very appropriate.

I sat back down on the bed, and waited. There was so much running through my head at that time: work concerns, family problems, and the usual barrage of static that fills your head after a long day. All that faded away though when my phone beeped to indicate a text message. I read it, and smiled as I flicked the switch of my lamp off.

Stealthily, I made my way to the front door and opened it ever so softly.

"Hi", she said, and in that moment, nothing else mattered.

---

This one is for you.

My inadequacies as a writer do no justice to the perfection of that night, perhaps one of the only instances where I can claim to have done something right in an ocean of wrong. My inadequacies as a man do no justice to the perfection of you, either.

Words are cheap, and my words are nothing, just as this post is nothing. Mere letters in cyberspace, soon to be erased by the passage of time like chalk writings on a pavement. Dust in the wind.

You deserve more.

I make you no more promises, for I know your distaste towards them. No more confessions of love and devotion; you are sick of them as well. I cannot ask you for anything; you have already given me so much. Perhaps though, if my words are moot, you will allow me to paraphrase someone else's.

All I ask is, now that my 'time has come';

forget the wrong that I've done

help me leave behind some

reasons to be missed

don't resent me

and when you're feeling empty

keep me in your memory

leave out all the rest.

Insomnia

While going through a few of my old draft posts, I stumbled across this. I had written it not too long ago in a moment of 'emotional abandon', a state that lasted almost until I had finished the post. After re-reading it however, I had decided against publishing it, perhaps for the same reason I am posting it now.

It's not often that I am this honest and blunt with myself, and as I read it now I find it almost refreshing. It brings a smile of understanding to my face, and while these emotions may or may not have passed by now, it still is a reminder to me on the importance of being honest with one's self.

Also, I wonder what those last lines would have read, had I continued writing.

Perhaps a more self-indulgant post, and for that I apologise. And yet, perhaps it may strike a chord with someone out there.

Cheers!


G

---

As usual, I'm awake when I really should be asleep. I honestly find it hard to get even a single nights sleep that is more than 5 hours these days. I thought that once the routine of work would settle in, I'd be hitting the sack early. Not so.

So I'm lying here, and I have GnR's "Civil War" going on in my head for some reason, probably from all the times I played it this morning. It's not a song that puts you to sleep.

I wonder if perhaps I am afraid to fall asleep. That doesn't make sense though. I don't have nightmares; heck, I don't have any dreams at all. The pictures I paint while lying in bed in the dark are much more vivid than any unconscious imagination could be.

One of the reasons I can't fall asleep is because unless I'm utterly exhausted, I end up thinking too much. I reflect a lot; I guess it's just my nature, and I feel that's a good thing. You can learn a lot about yourself from your past.

Personally, I know that I got a lot to learn, and a lot to fix.

It's not easy to admit that I'm wrong about myself, but I think that's where I'm at. For example, reading my old posts, especially the one about me not being a snob, I realise that perhaps I really am. I just didn't know it. It's a sad realisation, that all my indignance at these 'false' accusations were just me fighting the truth. Could it be that I was that wrong about myself?

Another thing - I think the whole 'misunderstood' label is something too liberally used as well. I find myself clinging to that myself, to explain the criticism I receive, and that's pretty sad isn't it? Hiding behind a false sense of right?

What have I become...?

The day light always brings ...

Single Ladies FTW!

There are many things wrong with couples these days. Drama has reached an all time high, as have the levels of PDA, which isn’t all bad to be honest. I always laugh at how couples try to get as close to (and discreetly feel up as much of) the other person as possible, all while walking down the street. It takes great skill and co-ordination to pull that off.

But I digress. Couples, go ahead and do ya thang, I have no issues. Except when it’s in buses and in restaurants and in a 10 foot radius of me. Then we have a problem.

Every once in a while, I make friends with a girl who is fun, relaxed, and doesn’t immediately go to that default conclusion a few annoying women do when a boy is talking to them (“OMG I think he likes me - wait till I tell my BFF - do I look fat in this? - [giggle giggle]..”). Everything is fine and normal and I don’t give anything a second thought, until said friend finds a boyfriend.

Then everything goes to hell.

First, said boyfriend tries to befriend me, if he’s not in my circle of friends. This is fine; we talk, I am polite and act like he’s the cat’s meow, everyone is happy. Right? Wrong.

Phase two involves said boyfriend acting slightly strange towards me. No worries, it’s not my problem.

And then comes phase three. The girl starts acting weird.

It’s all slightly amusing if you look at it. Let’s go with a few examples:

ME: “Hey, where were you? We missed ya at the party last night”
Girl: “Hi, yes I missed everyone that happened to be there, not just you but all persons present. As a friend, I mean”.


ME: “Hey what goes on? Haven’t spoken to you in a while, we should catch up”
Girl: “Hi, yes I haven’t spoken to a LOT of people in a while; I need to catch up with SO many people, not just you, but including you too. As a friend, of course”.


ME: “Can I borrow some cash?”
Girl: “Of course, because I would give cash to ALL my friends if they asked, since I treat them ALL equally and enjoy giving my money to anyone who asks. As.. a friend”


ME: “My cat just died, I’m depressed”
Girl: “Oh that’s terrible news, I feel AWFUL! Just like I would if anyone else’s cat died, because I love all cats equally. As a friend”

You get the point.

Naturally, blame initially falls on the boyfriend in question, but seriously how insecure would you have to be to induce such paranoia in your girlfriend? I mean, he’d have to be reading her texts for any of this to be even close to justified, and surely no one does that. Right? The only explanation I can come up with is that sometimes, when we get into a relationship, there is a particular pattern and expectation of us on how we should interact with people now on. For guys, we’re expected to find all other girls mildly boring yet tolerable, and unattractive as mud. Girls, apparently, are expected to reinforce the perimeters of the friend zone with electric fences and barbed wire.

A rather mundane and pointless observance, I know; and yet, perhaps if there are any ladies out there who are unknowingly doing this, perhaps you will realised the error of your ways and decide to give your guy-friend a break.

After all, he was there first!

Your iPhone Is A Poisoned Apple

I want to buy a phone, and I am very confused. I have been in the market for a new phone ever since the paint on my trusty SE z610i started cracking and fading faster than Robert Pattinson in direct sunlight (or is that shrivelling and dying? I really have no clue). My initial searches only ended in complete confusion; did I want a touchscreen or not, a slider or not, qwerty or not, wifi or not, android or symbian or windows mobile, batteries included, kitchen sink or not? I would like to say it was like a kid in a candy store, but at least a kid knows he has a chance of getting any one of the candies on display. For me it was more just tech-porn.

And then I saw - a goddess.

Sleek. Slim. Curves in all the right places. Sophisticated. Bright. And likes to be touched.

No, I didn't meet Angelina Jolie. It was the iPhone 4.


Fine, so its not a goddess, and perhaps not even female (though I wonder why not). Yet, you have to admit that the new iPhone has been stirring up peoples interest for a while now, what with all the armies camping outside stores, waiting for the first shipment. It sounded extremely nifty in Steve Jobs trademark presentation, plus - well, it's an iPhone right?? What more could you want?!

Adding the magical lower case 'i' in front of anything has been the digital age Midas touch, turning any product into marketing gold. The mp3 player was not a new technology when the iPod came along, but Apple turned it into some form of status symbol. Then they made it smaller, and smaller, until you had the new Shuffle almost as big as your finger nail, and they make it sound as if that was a good thing. All I know is, if I pay that much money for something, I don't want there to be a chance of it vanishing in the first stiff breeze.

Then there was the iPad. I still don't know what that does.

And now the iPhone.

Make no mistake, I think it's very cool in its functionality, but from what I've gathered, the phones have never really been excellent at phone calls. You would think that they could at least devise some new technology that would make phone calls sound like they were right there with you, but no; call quality remains "good". I don't want good, I want flippin' fantastic for that price. As for the design, don't get me started. the old iPhones have just been slightly un-pretty, to say the least.

Perhaps it's just personal preference though. Of course, the phones are well engineered, and they have pushed the borders in many areas. Which is why with the new iPhone 4 launch, I was expecting it to be the real-life version of a Bond gadget, complete with satellite link-ups and cool exploding gizmos.

Instead, we got probably one of the worst PR disasters for Apple in a long time, with several phones either having yellow or white spots on their displays. And then there was the 'death grip'. Apparently, if you hold the phone in a particular way i.e., in your left hand like any normal phone, the attenas short out and you lose signal.


Yes, the iPhone 4 only makes calls if you use your right hand.


The legion of Apple maniacs have been quick to forgive this engineering defect, and even quicker to brush off Steve Job's arrogant response to this flaw ("Just don't hold it like that"). And who can blame them, they probably withstood rain and sleet to get their hands on one in the first place.


My point is, no other company could have survived this sort of disaster. People are already making fun of the 'death grip' like this Motorola Droid X ad and this article on how to fix your iPhone problem. It's a catastrophe on the face of it - a phone that makes calls sometimes.

Yes, yes, it's got a whole stash of nifty gadgets too and a mediocre camera, but for pete's sake it's a phone. It has to make calls whenever and however I want to, right handed, left handed, upside down and sideways.

So, my question is - have I been going about this the wrong way? Like I said before, I have no beef with Apple in general. I own a 4th generation iPod myself, and it does just fine except for the annoyance that is iTunes. But has marketing succeeded so much that we have lost the ability to judge electronics solely on merit? I would buy a phone if it worked well and perhaps looked good as well. It has to suit me. Some of the new smartphones in the market look like an expensive ornament that would shatter into a million pieces if it spent a day in someones pocket without heavy protection.


So dear Apple users; I envy your spending power, but try not to make it that easy for Steve Jobs to steal your money.

In closing, please please read this cartoon courtesy 'The Oatmeal' on what its like to own an Apple product. Hilarious!!