We are all alone.
It has been a tough few days for me (I say that a lot don't I?), both on the home front and the personal front. Of late I've started feeling like everything in my life has just gotten too loud, and I'm unable to find the volume control.
Panic and pressure are nothing new to me, neither is the feeling of having my hands tied. (No I don't mean that in a good way.) Most of my college life, and the year after in which I was quite literally 'lost' with regards to job hunting, I always felt I was under 'too much'. Most of the time I was wrong, at least during my first few years abroad. I was just unable to handle what normal students would call 'exam tension', and as a result I moped instead of mugged, resulting in poor grades and a GPA sink-hole that would affect the next 4 years of my life. Yes, I was an idiot.
I learnt my lesson, and my final years in college went by with more success, even if the pressure and the stakes had now more than quadrupled. I realised that if I didn't show my panic and my worries to the outside world, I felt stronger. This was rather easily achieved; I have never been more alone than that final year in India, where I lodged in a hostel of more than 1000 people, all juniors, and all strangers. Every friend or even aquaintance I had made over the years in my campus had graduated and left, and so I walked between hostel, library and canteen all to myself, my blue headphones firmly clamped on my ears and my trusty Creative mp3 player clamped to my pocket. Yes, I looked like an idiot.
Things have looked up since then. I returned home, back to the comforts of home and family. I bonded with my brother, so much so that his return from school was the only thing that kept me going, especially during the trials that our family went through last year. I made new friends, and I fell in love. I got a job, and I found some form of independance. I spent half my birthday in a hospital. Yeah, that was legendary.
Last night, I couldn't fall asleep, so I got out of bed and switched on my small bedside lamp. That lamp is more than 9 years old, and had been my companion during my entire uni life. I had brought it to my work lodgings only that morning, and as I sat at my desk in that familiar yellow glow, I felt a feeling of deja vu. Late nights, quiet, alone in a large room, the reflection of the yellow beams on the wooden table.
I sat there and I realised that we spend most of our lifetime with ourselves rather than with other people. Whatever time we enjoy with others, whatever fun we have in the company of friends, those are all just benefits not to be taken lightly.
Perhaps when we realise that fact, and accept it instead of cursing the loneliness and complaining about it, perhaps then we can truly be at peace with ourselves, and as a result, acknowledge and appreciate those around us even more for choosing to enter our lives and be a part of it, even if it is only for a short time.
I am alone. I am alright with that.
It has been a tough few days for me (I say that a lot don't I?), both on the home front and the personal front. Of late I've started feeling like everything in my life has just gotten too loud, and I'm unable to find the volume control.
Panic and pressure are nothing new to me, neither is the feeling of having my hands tied. (No I don't mean that in a good way.) Most of my college life, and the year after in which I was quite literally 'lost' with regards to job hunting, I always felt I was under 'too much'. Most of the time I was wrong, at least during my first few years abroad. I was just unable to handle what normal students would call 'exam tension', and as a result I moped instead of mugged, resulting in poor grades and a GPA sink-hole that would affect the next 4 years of my life. Yes, I was an idiot.
I learnt my lesson, and my final years in college went by with more success, even if the pressure and the stakes had now more than quadrupled. I realised that if I didn't show my panic and my worries to the outside world, I felt stronger. This was rather easily achieved; I have never been more alone than that final year in India, where I lodged in a hostel of more than 1000 people, all juniors, and all strangers. Every friend or even aquaintance I had made over the years in my campus had graduated and left, and so I walked between hostel, library and canteen all to myself, my blue headphones firmly clamped on my ears and my trusty Creative mp3 player clamped to my pocket. Yes, I looked like an idiot.
Things have looked up since then. I returned home, back to the comforts of home and family. I bonded with my brother, so much so that his return from school was the only thing that kept me going, especially during the trials that our family went through last year. I made new friends, and I fell in love. I got a job, and I found some form of independance. I spent half my birthday in a hospital. Yeah, that was legendary.
Last night, I couldn't fall asleep, so I got out of bed and switched on my small bedside lamp. That lamp is more than 9 years old, and had been my companion during my entire uni life. I had brought it to my work lodgings only that morning, and as I sat at my desk in that familiar yellow glow, I felt a feeling of deja vu. Late nights, quiet, alone in a large room, the reflection of the yellow beams on the wooden table.
I sat there and I realised that we spend most of our lifetime with ourselves rather than with other people. Whatever time we enjoy with others, whatever fun we have in the company of friends, those are all just benefits not to be taken lightly.
Perhaps when we realise that fact, and accept it instead of cursing the loneliness and complaining about it, perhaps then we can truly be at peace with ourselves, and as a result, acknowledge and appreciate those around us even more for choosing to enter our lives and be a part of it, even if it is only for a short time.
I am alone. I am alright with that.
5 comments:
On the flip side of your last paragraph, the more we accept the fact that we are alone, the more we push people away because we believe that they would leave and we'll be alone again. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm just saying.
Dude... that lamp! that lamp! Epic :D
yeahh!! the lamp!! burning the midnight lamp!! hahah.. krazykid got it right!! lol
Amen.
But Sabby makes a good point. Sometimes when we focus on how alone we are, we forget how much we aren't. But finding peace with it is important, and I think that's what you were trying to say right?
seesaw & sabby: i'm not sure it's about focussing on being alone, i think it's more about accepting it. if we're not alone, then none of this applies anyway. besides, i also spoke about acknowledging and appreciating people that do step into our lives, just not holding them there and expecting all of them to stay.
krazykyd & aryalsup: u guys are such idiots.. lol.. i can't believe u remembered that thing! thanks for the comments and the msgs, it was nice to be remembered.
shout out to everyone else that actually read this and wrote to me to check up on me. much love!
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