The Darkside Does Weddings!

It took us nearly 90 minutes to get to the homecoming of one of my parents' friend's son, and it was a total waste of time. Why? Because I was bored out of my relatively easily tickled brain. Yes, I know that out of sheer desperation I have recently taken to Twitter to provide me with some entertainment; so if an actual social gathering with 'real people' was boring to me, that just proves my point even further!


However, not one to cry over spilt milk (unless of course it's on my g-Pod) I decided to pause and ponder about this whole 'Wedding' nonsense.


Contrary to popular belief, I am all in favour of marriage. I would love to get married. There, I said it! Would I want to get married now? Absolutely not! But sure, the wedding bells will definitely be tolling for me within the next 5 years, so I suppose it isn't a complete waste of time to spare a few thoughts to how it would actually go. So this one is for the unlucky girl that, in the near or distant future, sniffed pepper during dinner, said "I DO!" instead of "ACHOO!" among a cloud of witnesses and had to settle for a man with a slight obsession with the darkness.


1. We are not getting married underwater.


Or at the beach. Or in a hotel. Or in an empty swimming pool. Or while sky diving. I'm sorry, but as free thinking as I am capable of being, I draw the line at sensationalising the 'big day'. Surely the fact that you have managed to get me into this tuxedo and convince my loving but crazy relatives to sit together in a room at the same time should be sensational enough. Besides, aren't I enough for you baby? Okay don't answer that, I'll be waiting near the altar, do join me when you've finished having 'second thoughts'. Again.


2. No you're gym instructor cannot come to the wedding.


Look, I know you want to share the joy of this momentous - okay, you know what I mean - with the whole world, but do they all have to come to the wedding? What happened to the small quiet weddings, with just the people that actually know us? I understand all the politics between families and how we HAVE to invite certain people because it's "the right thing to do", but I really believe that people who know your body mass index better than they know YOU need not be taking up place in the pews.

Besides, if you're recurring 'second thoughts' surface again, well, let's just say he's a bit too buff for my liking.


3. The best man must be in my pocket.

No not literally! But if one of us does not have solid blackmail material against the 'best man', there is no way I am letting him step up to a microphone in front of my family and friends, thank you very much. While I have no issues at all with being made fun of, sordid stories of the groom's failed romantic endeavours are not what I would call appropriate at a wedding.

Best Man: Oh, [brides name] thinks she's lucky, but she was only the seventh pick you know. Hyuk hyuk hyuk!

Me (to wifey): Excuse me, honey. [takes out cell phone, dials reporter friend of major newspaper] Oh hi. Remember those photos of that drunk dude pissing on a cop car last Saturday night? You want his full name and address? What's that? No I don't know a Mr. Bibras Nawa, why do you ask....?



4. There will be no ceremony for the home coming.

Look, we're shelling out a lot for the wedding, for the reception, all that food, the honeymoon and that weird Gypsy Kings wannabe band that keeps playing this. After all that is said and done, do we have to throw a party when we get back as well? Yes, we're back home. Yes, our real lives begin now. Yes we have to go back to our boring jobs. Yes, now we are supposed to start fighting. Yes, now we have to keep convincing people that we're "not ready" for kids. Yes, the Maldives was absolutely divine and it was the best honeymoon in the history of time. Ahem.

Really, what's there to celebrate??


5. No kids in the ceremony.

Okay fine, kids can COME for the wedding, but in no way are we having them doing anything during the ceremony! I know it's cute having a little girl in some pink frilly outfit throwing flowers in your wake, or some kid in a miniature tuxedo handing the rings to the priest, but do you really think I would entrust children with anything of importance on the big day?! When have kids EVER been known to do as they are told?? That's just asking for trouble, and I'm stressed out as it is trying to keep you from running off with Mr. Yoga over there.

Yes, I hate kids, did you not know this? No, I won't hate our kids, because they will be awesome.

And if you think about it, I'm actually sparing the kids the shame and embarrassment of having to perform in front of a large crowd like as if they were trained monkeys in cute costumes.



Of course, the above points are all purely theoretical. By the time the big day finally comes around, the 'wifey' will be pulling my strings with such skill and precision that I won't even realise what I've agreed to till it's too late.


And by "too late", I mean when I'm standing on some beach somewhere, with sand between my toes and a slightly weak smile on my lips as my pink frilly bride makes her way towards me surrounded by a parade of snot nosed kids blowing bubbles, while I silently wonder why "Here Comes The Bride" rhymes rather suspiciously with "There Goes My Pride".