I Refuse

I'm sure most people will remember this dialogue from the movie 'Gladiator'. A true good vs. evil situation, where the 'hero' gets to stare down his nemesis and show him that "it ain't over till it's over".

I wish life was that easy. I wish I could personify all the wrong things that have happened to me - and are happening to me - into a single individual. Especially right now. In my mind, my imaginary 'arch nemesis' would be a few inches taller than me, slightly bigger, exuding confidence behind his line of henchmen. Strong yet beatable, at least in my mind's eye. He has the numbers, all the right cards, and he smiles in victory.


What would I say......?


You know, it's funny. I have often wanted to quit. When you made me an outcast and a nobody, I wanted to quit. When you took me away from my home and burdened me beyond my abilities, I wanted to quit. When I failed, again and again and again until I lost count of the number, I wanted to quit. When you took away my friends and my brothers, I wanted to quit. When I was living alone among a thousand strangers, screaming at the walls and fighting madness, I wanted to quit. My parents told me to quit. You brought love into my life and tore it away from me. You pushed me to the brink, and just when I thought this was it, you'd find a way to drive me deeper still.


But I didn't quit. It was not a show of strength, rather of ignorance, for I didn't know how to quit. And when I weathered that nightmare of a storm, when through grace I survived all that and came out broken yet intact, you attacked me personally by taking away the sun. Then you attacked my family. You invaded my home, my sanctuary, and made it a house of lies, deceit, anguish and tears. You broke my family. But you will not break me.


I refuse.


I have bled too much, come too far, to give you the satisfaction of my surrender. All these wounds, all these scars, they'd all be for nothing then. Nothing!


So keep doing what you're doing. Take more people out of my life, till there is no one left. Break every pillar that I set for myself to rest on. Bring me to my knees and drive me into the dirt. I will not die.


Bring it.




If only it were that simple.

Habakkuk 3:17-18