It's Too Late To Apologise

I have often complained about the overly dramatic and manic depressive nature of the blogosphere. Yes, at times the great writers of Kottu can turn the blogosphere into a brooding pit of remorse and self-pity, somewhat like Celine Dion singing "All By Myself" on repeat.


But perhaps that will allow some people to identify with this post.


We all go through traumatic and difficult phases in life which tend to leave a scar or, in some cases, more permanent damage in its wake. Trials and tribulations are just part and parcel of life, and the common line of advice is that these situations are what truly mold you as an individual.


Sure, I can buy into that. But what happens when life gives you an opportunity to make things better?


I like to fix problems. This doesn't make me a 'meddler', but I do feel that we have too much unnecessary drama in our lives that can be sorted out pretty easily if we're willing to get our hands dirty. However, I believe that when it comes to fixing problems in our own lives, we are not as enthusiastic as we would be were it someone else's. It's almost as if we enjoy carrying our back-breaking burdens around for all to see, and even if we choose not to advertise it, there is something rather 'heroic' about shouldering our load without complaint with a Clint Eastwood-ish grunt of nonchalance about it all.


Or is there more? Recently I was given an opportunity to let someone who had hurt me make reparations; if not in totality, then at least a token starting point for it. The issue at hand is more than some measly "he-said-she-said" wrong by the way, just to be clear. It is an issue that for me has been a black mark on my horizon for the last decade almost; an ugly dent that has damaged the steering of the weather worn roadster that is my life.


So here I was given a chance to open the door to forgiveness, even if I didn't really feel like forgiving anyone. Let bygones be bygones and all - make a brand new start and let go of the past. Perfect.


I didn't take it.


Instead someone very close to me, who was also similarly affected in this whole problem, did take it. He went up and let it all out, and I sat back and watched.


Which leads me to question my own motives - am I being stupid and selfish about this? A snob even....? Do I have too much pride to let go and stop acting like some wounded war hero? Would I rather carry the burden of the past with me so that I can wallow in my self-pity?


No.


There comes a point in your life when you realise that the wrongs of the past have little or no effect on you anymore. It's not because you have forgotten or even forgiven - far from it. Instead, the reason is you have bled so much because of this one wound that you are furious with yourself for being so fragile. You tell yourself you will never let this happen again. You become stronger, in that one area, even at the expense of other areas in your life. You refuse to let it get the better of you, refuse to try and deal with it, because that would mean you have lost the fight.


Bottom line: I chose not to say 'yes' because I still haven't learned. I still haven't beaten this beast, but I can slowly feel it losing its grip on me. I can feel it losing its sting, and I know that all that blood loss was worth it. Without bleeding, we don't get clotting.


So I say 'no'. No to your apologies, 'no' to your attempts at making things better. It is much too late for that. Now I'd rather you leave me alone.


I'm still fighting.