Can I Get Some Wings, Please?

Aerophobia, aviatophobia, aviophobia or pteromechanophobia - technical and tongue twisting ways to say the same thing - "I'm afraid to fly".


And who can blame you, if you are such a person. Flying is a terrifying act to us humans, who were specifically designed to patrol the earth and leave the skies and the seas to lesser creatures that haven't invented waste disposal yet. But no, thanks to the obsessive and persevering nature of the Orville brothers, we now have passenger planes of all shapes and sizes, helicopters, fighter jets, unmanned drones, Harry Potter - well the list is practically endless.


Now that we are in the 21st century (the magical century where all man's problems are expected to be solved at the push of the proverbial 'button') air travel has become as common place as other more 'down to earth' modes of transportation like buses, taxis and that age old favourite of mine - walking. But despite our familiarity with all things airborne, we have yet to discover a way to put to death our ancestral 'fear' of growing wings. Well that's not entirely true, we sort of have - but it includes terms like "cognitive behaviour therapy" and "systematic desensitization" which make it sound like one of the items planned for Osama's daily routine in Guantanamo bay.


Another method of treatment for this phobia is "hypnotherapy". Basically, if you can't step on an air plane without your heart rate ballooning to Hindenburg proportions, you have serious transmission problems upstairs.


So is this solely a genetic fear passed down from the first time some caveman hopped on the back of a Pterodactyl? Doubtful - much more likely is the sad history we humans have when we take to the skies. From the Hindenburg disaster back in the 1930's, all the way to last week when a passenger plane plowed into a house in New York, we still live in the happy delusion that travelling by air is the safest form of travel. Sure, that's what everyone tells us, but for the moment let us just pretend that bit of information is as credible as career advice from Paris Hilton.


Let us review this whole flying business and try to figure out where all the fear is coming from. Whenever I go through airports I am constantly on edge for a number of reasons. Will my bags be overweight? Are my documents in order? Does my passport picture look like me? Do I want veg or non-veg? Aisle or window? Is that a gun or is he just happy to see that Chanel ad? As for airport security, well, I have often mentioned before that I don't grouse the additional security, but when they pull out your water bottle and shake it in front of you with that smug look on their face as if they've just discovered plutonium, anyone's nerves would be shaken.



But the most fear inducing part of flying has to be the safety demonstrations. Let's be honest, when they show you how to buckle your seat belt, aren't you a little let down? Surely by now we would have devised something a little more 'Jetsons' and a little less 'Flintstones' than tying ourselves into the seat. Plus, the way the air hostess' slowly and carefully explain the process of buckling and unbuckling makes it look like they're giving you instructions on how to drive the lunar module. Then we move on to the life jackets. Seriously, has anyone ever seen a real life jacket that didn't have "Demonstration only" written on it? I've always been too scared to check in case I reach under the seat and pull out a yellow rain coat with "Haha Sucker!" written on it.


By this stage in the safety demonstration any sane man would be slightly uneasy, and so just to top it all off, they mention the abundance of emergency exits in the plane. But just when you think they'll finally give you a piece of comforting information, the hostess points in the general direction of the rear of the air plane and makes a sort of vague 'breast stroke' motion. Naturally, you turn around in your seat to see what she's pointing at, which as it usually turns out, is just row upon row of seats with equally confused passengers. Puzzled, you turn back to the hostess, only to see her now pointing in the opposite direction! Slowly, as the panic descends upon you, you try to raise your hand or get out of your seat to have a better look, only to be told firmly to 'buckle your seat belt, sir, we are about to take off'. But I don't want to take off! Not like this!


Naturally, I have a solution to all this. And it really is quite simple, if you think about it. When you're in a car, the safety mechanisms involved make sure that in a collision you are cocooned in an air bag, and that the body of the car absorbs as much of the shock as possible. Why? Because the most likely form of car accident is a collision, so there would be really no point in inserting a life raft under the steering, would there? Similarly, when you're in a plane, the most likely cause of death is plummeting to the ground while being strapped into the fuselage. Solution?


Parachutes.


What? If fighter jets get to have an ejector seat, why can't they make one for passenger planes? Can you imagine the number of lives that would have been saved with this device? "Ladies and gentlemen, in case of engine failure or any other technical fault, please press the red button on your arm rest. You will be ejected into the atmosphere, after which a chute will automatically open so that you can drift safely down to earth while this metal tomb erupts in a ball of fire somewhere in the distance." Now that would give me some peace.


As for the technology, don't tell me we don't have it. The airline industries spend billions of dollars installing in-flight entertainment systems that allow us to watch movies, listen to music and play games; and really, what's the point in playing black jack with yourself as your aircraft falls to the ground faster than Lindsay Lohan on a wild weekend?


"Oh, 15! Hit me!"


If the electronic 'dealer' doesn't, rest assured the fast approaching ground definitely will.