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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Movie Marriage Myths

In one of my earlier posts, I was accused of being against marriage (among other things). This however is completely false; marriage is a wonderful union and is an event that should be looked forward to in anyone’s life. (No, I am not being sarcastic; why can’t people take me seriously anymore?) If some people would rather look forward to it for longer than others, that’s perfectly fine with me; I for one plan to speak of it in the future tense for another decade, if I can manage it.

But just like all things nowadays, the institute of marriage has been corrupted. Yes, what was once considered a sacred union of two mature individuals that are willing to commit the rest of their lives to each other, has now been reduced to a meaningless archaic proceeding. Who needs marriage, they ask, when society seems quite happy to allow people to live together, sleep together and have children together before walking down the aisle together? Sure, I mean, what else is there to marriage after all? Ok now THAT was sarcasm.

Once again, I blame the media. The media and our gullibility; these two go hand in hand when it comes to explaining most of the world’s bizarre behaviour. To further the authenticity of this post, I conducted a poll. (Yes, at ‘Darkside Daily’, we do our research, thank you very much). Out of the large number of people polled, 94% agreed that television and Hollywood had a significant influence on their perception of marriage. The other 6% were lying. Alright fine so I didn’t take a poll, sue me.

In light of these false findings, I have decided to unearth some marriage myths which may be considered acceptable thanks to the big-screen BS. So get your pen out and start taking notes.

1. The best friend is your worst enemy.

Yes, contrary to many Hollywood movies, leaving the fiancĂ© at the altar to run after the hot ‘best-friend’ who loves you in secret is not the best way to get hitched. Ditching the fiancĂ© after the engagement is not considered a lesser evil either by the way, even if he is your ‘true soul mate’ (The Notebook). For some reason, it’s always the bride-to-be who performs this atrocious act; apparently the groom can only get away with this if they look like Matthew McConaughey (The Wedding Planner). Even if you don’t ditch the groom, kissing the friend due to some cute display of his emotions is not exactly what I’d call the road to a happy marriage either (Keira Knightley in ‘Love Actually’).

2. Weddings that take place under the influence do not work out happily.

If you do wake up one fine morning with the hangover from hell and a wedding ring from someone whose name you can’t pronounce, this does NOT mean that things will turn out happily in the end. You will NOT fight with him over his stupidity only to find that he’s really sweet, really. You will NOT annul the marriage only to look back and realise those few days of your fake ‘marriage’ were the best of your life. You will NOT be forced to work together as a team for some bizarre reason, only to find out how great you are together. (Please refer ‘Laws of Attraction’, ‘What happens in Vegas’, ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’)

You WILL however sign a blood oath never to touch the Devi’s Nectar for as long as you live.

3. An elaborate wedding does not imply that your partner doesn’t love you.

It seems to be common sense that if your spouse-to-be envisions a large wedding celebration, full of pomp and splendour, it is a sure sign that said spouse does not have real feelings for you. In fact, the accused is probably doing it all for show, and hence considers you merely a showpiece. Get out of this marriage! Leave her at the altar and run away with the woman who organised this wedding in the first place, only because she wants a simple ceremony. The fact that she looks like Jennifer Lopez has nothing to do with it, sure (‘Wedding Planner’).

4. The in-laws are not out to get you.

According to Hollywood, meeting the parents of your spouse-to-be is a bad, bad idea. Why? Apparently because they’ll put you through a series of psychologically taxing and mentally challenging tests in order to find a reason why you shouldn’t marry their son/daughter. No, meeting the in-laws does not necessarily spell disaster; they don’t have some kind of agenda to separate their son/daughter from you. To be honest, if you’re spending a weekend with the in-laws and you can’t seem to do a single thing right, insult the family by accident and engage in other comical and marriage breaking activities, it probably means you’re a complete idiot. Or Ben Stiller; whichever is worse. (Kindly refer ‘Meet the Parents’, ‘Guess Who?’, ‘License to Wed ‘ )

5. Weddings are not the place to find your soul mate.

Yes, you’re at a wedding, she’s at the same wedding; hence it must have been fate that brought you both together, right? Wrong. Just because nuptials are ‘in the air’, doesn’t mean that women turn up at the ceremony all ready to say hello to Mr. Right. If you think about it, there’s an extremely high chance that the beautiful girl across the room smiling at you is in fact your second-cousin. So unless you’re looking to bring a couple of retard kids into the world, beware of wedding hook-ups!

Oh I could go on and on, but these are just a few starting hints that Hollywood doesn’t know anything about marriage. It’s no wonder that we read of a celebrity divorce every week, they’re probably at a total loss to explain why their own real-life marriage isn’t working out like their scripts.

So readers, if you are planning on getting married in the near future; congrats! Just remember to follow these five steps and you’ll be able to get your man/woman to the altar, no problem.

After that, well, you’re on your own; though I’ll probably have advice for you on that subject in a decade or so (fingers crossed!), so stay tuned!

1 comment:

Sabby said...

Ok...question...WHY were you watching chick flicks??! =P

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