Welcome to Darkside Daily

When I'm not writing about my experiences in this journey called 'life', I'm singing and uploading my own interpretations of modern music. Click on "Cover Songs" to hear them, or on the YouTube logo on the right to see my YouTube channel.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sleepless Nights, Restless Days

It's a warm night, and I had no trouble getting out of bed to dig out my laptop and type this. My attempts at sleep were futile anyway.

I have lately been filled with a sense of uneasiness and want. Work has not held my interest, and even though I have some big deadlines to meet there is a distinct lack of motivation. I've been here almost 2 years now, and even though I've learned a lot and come a long way in that time, I'm starting to feel extremely cramped.

Working outstation isn't easy, but I used to enjoy it. I had nothing to look forward to in Kandy except unlimited internet and Mom's cooking, yet I could survive without them for 5 days a week without trouble. Besides, I liked the seclusion, and the mystery almost of our workplace and its surroundings. There was never a shortage of entertainment; my co-workers were notorious 'party animals', though more in the 'drinking and singing' sense than the 'loud music and dancing' sense. Despite my perpetual sobriety, I proved to be a worthy companion (at least according to them), and I didn't mind watching my friends make idiots of themselves while repeatedly asking me to sing to them. Also, the constant supply of 'interns' and 'trainees' to our plant meant we always had new characters to show the ropes to, as well as entertain. It was a good time.

And yet now, things no longer hold the same appeal to me. I am constantly bored, uninterested in colleague's endeavors, disillusioned with my field of work and unoptimistic of my chances of progressing in this line. The seclusion I once found refreshing is now almost a suffocating, and the hours spent in the gym no longer seem like an appealing way to spend the evenings. 

I am bored, and strangely lonely. The loneliness is troubling, considering I have good people around me almost every day. I find myself looking for distractions while I'm alone, no longer relishing the freedom of having my time to myself. Waking up in the morning is a horrible process of opening my eyes and willing myself to roll out of bed to make it to work instead of calling in sick.

Dark days, and sleepless nights are upon me. But it's those sleepless nights that have always been the sign for change in my life. Like omens, the tossing and turning into the early hours of morning have always preceded great victories or accomplishments, or drastic change in my life. 

So as I toss and turn and wrestle my wandering mind at night, I pray for change, for victory, and for the next phase.


5 comments:

Cadence said...

This phase will last some time if it is work related as I gathered. You'll progress from feeling like u don't wanna get out of bed to go to work, to really hating the thought of work and feeling like there's a permanent knot in ur chest, to throwing the towel in and saying to he** with it, to Sunday evening blues. Been there,done that.

Part of it comes with being employed at large organizations where u have to constantly watch ur back. Part of it is because you wonder if ur putting ur education to it's full use by doing the same old thing day in and day out. Another part of it is when u watch ur peers breezing along without a care in the world and u wonder where in the formula u went wrong. Another part of it is just plain old ambition and this suffocating urge to do better than the person in the next cubicle or some random cousin who's hit it big.

I've learnt to get my priorities straight. Put down in chronological order what was and is most important to me and give priority to things in that order. Sensibly of course without jeopardizing things by thinking with my heart only. I've let go of certain 'fires' in me which I had as an early twenty something adolescent and have realized that what I have is pretty damn good and anything else that comes my way is a bonus. Life has been great since and with it I have found something which I thought I had, but actually never did. Contentment.

Sorry for the long long comment! Hope things get better. It's all up to u :)

PP said...

a familiar feeling. i've felt this twice before and each time, it preceded a job change.

gotta agree with cadence. it comes, at least for me, when i compare where i am now with where i thought i would be 10 years ago. not so much dissatisfaction as inability to reconcile reality with imagination.

in my case, it's wondering what the heck i'm doing stuck in a building for the best part of the days of the best years of my life, instead of being out there, doing things.

maybe one solution is to try and find something you really like doing outside of work? so that you have something to look forward to. i'm still looking for mine.

good luck! if it helps, you're really not alone feeling that way.

Dishilicious said...

oh i know what you mean. i've been going through this exact same phase. hope you're prayer's answered soon. :) take care xo

Gehan said...

Thanks everyone for all the sound advice! Very grateful..

Cadence - For me it's not so much the job, though that does get to me off and on; it's more about location. It's not easy being posted away from the city and being deprived of almost all social life! Definitely need to relook at things after this year.

PP - Thanks, and yes it does help to know I'm not the only one who is questioning their career choice/path. Right now I'm ok with the work I do, but yes I need to find something outside of work to relax with, perhaps music?

Dishilicious - Thank you, and yes I hope so too!

Spice said...

third post of yours I am reading today!
You find solace in company of the like-minded or in this case like-feelers I suppose..
I am going through similar restless winds of change, wondering where the tides are heading.. or if I should start consciously rowing!

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