It's a warm night, and I had no trouble getting out of bed to dig out my laptop and type this. My attempts at sleep were futile anyway.
I have lately been filled with a sense of uneasiness and want. Work has not held my interest, and even though I have some big deadlines to meet there is a distinct lack of motivation. I've been here almost 2 years now, and even though I've learned a lot and come a long way in that time, I'm starting to feel extremely cramped.
Working outstation isn't easy, but I used to enjoy it. I had nothing to look forward to in Kandy except unlimited internet and Mom's cooking, yet I could survive without them for 5 days a week without trouble. Besides, I liked the seclusion, and the mystery almost of our workplace and its surroundings. There was never a shortage of entertainment; my co-workers were notorious 'party animals', though more in the 'drinking and singing' sense than the 'loud music and dancing' sense. Despite my perpetual sobriety, I proved to be a worthy companion (at least according to them), and I didn't mind watching my friends make idiots of themselves while repeatedly asking me to sing to them. Also, the constant supply of 'interns' and 'trainees' to our plant meant we always had new characters to show the ropes to, as well as entertain. It was a good time.
And yet now, things no longer hold the same appeal to me. I am constantly bored, uninterested in colleague's endeavors, disillusioned with my field of work and unoptimistic of my chances of progressing in this line. The seclusion I once found refreshing is now almost a suffocating, and the hours spent in the gym no longer seem like an appealing way to spend the evenings.
I am bored, and strangely lonely. The loneliness is troubling, considering I have good people around me almost every day. I find myself looking for distractions while I'm alone, no longer relishing the freedom of having my time to myself. Waking up in the morning is a horrible process of opening my eyes and willing myself to roll out of bed to make it to work instead of calling in sick.
Dark days, and sleepless nights are upon me. But it's those sleepless nights that have always been the sign for change in my life. Like omens, the tossing and turning into the early hours of morning have always preceded great victories or accomplishments, or drastic change in my life.
So as I toss and turn and wrestle my wandering mind at night, I pray for change, for victory, and for the next phase.